Have I Really Gone a Year?

It's been a year since I was brokenhearted in a devastatingly not good way. I remember spending this day one year ago crying and doing nothing else.

And those old wounds came back to me again today, especially as I saw people who have something in their lives that means something.

I'm scared of what's going to happen to me once I graduate because I'll have nothing really to live for, I fear.

I decided to try to assuage my situation with a firm hand. I'm going to stop moping about the fact that I'm not interesting/attractive, etc. and I'm going to go out and volunteer for the local AIDS relief organization. I feel this ardent need to give back to my community somehow, and this is a means by which I can do a great amount of good for people who need it.

There's a woman in Irish dance whom I've met several times that has lost her job. I may make bread for her on Saturday to take in.

Work and school, as always, causes stresses. Someday I hope all that I've gone through is worth it.

I need to clean my room.

Resurgence of the Neglected Blog?

I've recently felt the need to start blogging again, and totally forgot that this one existed, until I was logged in on my gmail and came here, which automatically logged me in.

Suffice it to say the last months have brought a lot in the way of monumental change to my life. I've gone through a lot of heartbreak, a lot of personal ups and downs. It's hard to explain almost nine months in a few short paragraphs.

More important though than where I was is where I'm going. I'm finally winning the war against my personal demons. Many of the things that held me back are starting to crumble. This is the time in my life where I make a real assertion of myself and finally destroy everything that has hurt me in the past. My uncertainty, my sense of low self-worth, my troubles with things like money, etc.

I was in New Mexico this weekend with several friends for a competition. And while there was the typical jocularity with them to which I'm accustomed, I revealed a few things that I normally don't say without alcohol.

I've been in a little bit of a funk where I lack the motivation to do what I ought to do and to branch out more. Part of that has to deal with money, but I'm learning how I can control money more---and it looks like I'm going to get a sizable check from the government on my taxes. That will take care of about 1/3 of my remaining school expenses. I'm planning on budgeting out the majority of my remaining expenses over my paychecks for the rest of the year so that I can walk away without a penny of debt.

At the same time, I've been struggling to get going on this semester, which I think may finally be turning around. I'm going to spend Tuesday night at a coffee shop reading my next book, which I'm about 120 of 320 pages through. I'd like to write my short review for the semester on this one because it gets it out of the way for me. I've got a comparative review coming up on me after my trip to Toronto next month, so that's going to be interesting. But I've always managed to do great at school stuff.

The rough part for me is the slow pace---I have 13 hours left to take in about 300 days (303 to be exact....). I've just got to keep going one book at a time, and do the best that I can with that I suppose.

The big thing though is going to be my personal life. The slowness of school is going to make it possible for me to be done with the stages I need to be a happier person. I'm starting to appreciate my characteristics, and I'm getting rid of the not so good ones. I think within a few months, I'll have finally beaten the demons.

And my ADD is kicking in....but I will write more later.