It's been a year since I was brokenhearted in a devastatingly not good way. I remember spending this day one year ago crying and doing nothing else.
And those old wounds came back to me again today, especially as I saw people who have something in their lives that means something.
I'm scared of what's going to happen to me once I graduate because I'll have nothing really to live for, I fear.
I decided to try to assuage my situation with a firm hand. I'm going to stop moping about the fact that I'm not interesting/attractive, etc. and I'm going to go out and volunteer for the local AIDS relief organization. I feel this ardent need to give back to my community somehow, and this is a means by which I can do a great amount of good for people who need it.
There's a woman in Irish dance whom I've met several times that has lost her job. I may make bread for her on Saturday to take in.
Work and school, as always, causes stresses. Someday I hope all that I've gone through is worth it.
I need to clean my room.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Resurgence of the Neglected Blog?
I've recently felt the need to start blogging again, and totally forgot that this one existed, until I was logged in on my gmail and came here, which automatically logged me in.
Suffice it to say the last months have brought a lot in the way of monumental change to my life. I've gone through a lot of heartbreak, a lot of personal ups and downs. It's hard to explain almost nine months in a few short paragraphs.
More important though than where I was is where I'm going. I'm finally winning the war against my personal demons. Many of the things that held me back are starting to crumble. This is the time in my life where I make a real assertion of myself and finally destroy everything that has hurt me in the past. My uncertainty, my sense of low self-worth, my troubles with things like money, etc.
I was in New Mexico this weekend with several friends for a competition. And while there was the typical jocularity with them to which I'm accustomed, I revealed a few things that I normally don't say without alcohol.
I've been in a little bit of a funk where I lack the motivation to do what I ought to do and to branch out more. Part of that has to deal with money, but I'm learning how I can control money more---and it looks like I'm going to get a sizable check from the government on my taxes. That will take care of about 1/3 of my remaining school expenses. I'm planning on budgeting out the majority of my remaining expenses over my paychecks for the rest of the year so that I can walk away without a penny of debt.
At the same time, I've been struggling to get going on this semester, which I think may finally be turning around. I'm going to spend Tuesday night at a coffee shop reading my next book, which I'm about 120 of 320 pages through. I'd like to write my short review for the semester on this one because it gets it out of the way for me. I've got a comparative review coming up on me after my trip to Toronto next month, so that's going to be interesting. But I've always managed to do great at school stuff.
The rough part for me is the slow pace---I have 13 hours left to take in about 300 days (303 to be exact....). I've just got to keep going one book at a time, and do the best that I can with that I suppose.
The big thing though is going to be my personal life. The slowness of school is going to make it possible for me to be done with the stages I need to be a happier person. I'm starting to appreciate my characteristics, and I'm getting rid of the not so good ones. I think within a few months, I'll have finally beaten the demons.
And my ADD is kicking in....but I will write more later.
Suffice it to say the last months have brought a lot in the way of monumental change to my life. I've gone through a lot of heartbreak, a lot of personal ups and downs. It's hard to explain almost nine months in a few short paragraphs.
More important though than where I was is where I'm going. I'm finally winning the war against my personal demons. Many of the things that held me back are starting to crumble. This is the time in my life where I make a real assertion of myself and finally destroy everything that has hurt me in the past. My uncertainty, my sense of low self-worth, my troubles with things like money, etc.
I was in New Mexico this weekend with several friends for a competition. And while there was the typical jocularity with them to which I'm accustomed, I revealed a few things that I normally don't say without alcohol.
I've been in a little bit of a funk where I lack the motivation to do what I ought to do and to branch out more. Part of that has to deal with money, but I'm learning how I can control money more---and it looks like I'm going to get a sizable check from the government on my taxes. That will take care of about 1/3 of my remaining school expenses. I'm planning on budgeting out the majority of my remaining expenses over my paychecks for the rest of the year so that I can walk away without a penny of debt.
At the same time, I've been struggling to get going on this semester, which I think may finally be turning around. I'm going to spend Tuesday night at a coffee shop reading my next book, which I'm about 120 of 320 pages through. I'd like to write my short review for the semester on this one because it gets it out of the way for me. I've got a comparative review coming up on me after my trip to Toronto next month, so that's going to be interesting. But I've always managed to do great at school stuff.
The rough part for me is the slow pace---I have 13 hours left to take in about 300 days (303 to be exact....). I've just got to keep going one book at a time, and do the best that I can with that I suppose.
The big thing though is going to be my personal life. The slowness of school is going to make it possible for me to be done with the stages I need to be a happier person. I'm starting to appreciate my characteristics, and I'm getting rid of the not so good ones. I think within a few months, I'll have finally beaten the demons.
And my ADD is kicking in....but I will write more later.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
God, How Much Has Happened in Two Months
For some strange reason, I am gripped to write on here about the last two months, and like always, it will probably be dreadfully brief.
First front: School.
1) My virgin essay turned out to be a resounding success, and having reread it several times, I am utterly convinced that it's one of my finest works I've ever written. Considering that writing is one of the few things about myself that I take pride in, this is a huge statement on my part. Several people who have read it said it belongs in a journal, including a PhD (granted, he's a completely different field...).
2) Mexico had a few ups and downs, especially when it came to the book reviews and having an adequate essay topic for this semester. I don't really think my topic is going to be viable next semester, and I may have to change directions significantly, perhaps again towards something connected with religious history (if I ever have to choose a thematic history, this will be it).
In all, things went well, as I ended up with straight A's.
Second front: Work.
1) This has by and large caused an incredible amount of stress in my life, and I grow increasingly tired of my job daily. It doesn't pay what I would like, and I impose this inordinate amount of expectations on myself (to check in the most patients, to make all my calls by a certain time, to file everything known to man by a certain time, etc.) where by the end of my day, I can actually feel about a month of my life shortened.
2) I've tried a few times looking for a different job, but have had no success.
Third front: Irish dance
1) This is one of the few great successes I have had, as I'm slowly but surely getting my steps together for my first feis next month...
Fourth front: Romance
1) This has been a total and unmitigated disaster; such that I have resolutely confined myself not to date again. After the whole Thom fiasco (surprisingly, we haven't killed each other.....yet.....), I went out on a date with a guy in Denver, and we chatted a while before he totally disappeared. The guy who followed was frankly crazy and said on the second date that he was in love with me. Stupidly, I let this continue for a couple more weeks until the insanity of my life prevented any meetings, wherein I came to my senses. I was flattered by compliments too readily and gave myself away to someone who didn't merit me.
Thereafter, I went out on a couple dates with a champion dancer, and was led to the same conclusions as my post-Thom experience, overall disappointment and a sense of rejection. I offered to go out to dinner and heard nothing for almost 5 days. Obviously, not the sign of someone interested in me.
As a consequence of all of this, I feel tired, and frankly, I've entered a depressed state, only dragging myself through on force. I long so desperately to just sleep in bed all day, and lament my existence, but being forced to work, to put some ridiculous smile on my face, and pretend to be happy to avoid answering questions about what's wrong with me.
I'm actually quite tired of my life right now, and I really could use something to just shake it up a little. Anyways, that's my brief on my life right now.
First front: School.
1) My virgin essay turned out to be a resounding success, and having reread it several times, I am utterly convinced that it's one of my finest works I've ever written. Considering that writing is one of the few things about myself that I take pride in, this is a huge statement on my part. Several people who have read it said it belongs in a journal, including a PhD (granted, he's a completely different field...).
2) Mexico had a few ups and downs, especially when it came to the book reviews and having an adequate essay topic for this semester. I don't really think my topic is going to be viable next semester, and I may have to change directions significantly, perhaps again towards something connected with religious history (if I ever have to choose a thematic history, this will be it).
In all, things went well, as I ended up with straight A's.
Second front: Work.
1) This has by and large caused an incredible amount of stress in my life, and I grow increasingly tired of my job daily. It doesn't pay what I would like, and I impose this inordinate amount of expectations on myself (to check in the most patients, to make all my calls by a certain time, to file everything known to man by a certain time, etc.) where by the end of my day, I can actually feel about a month of my life shortened.
2) I've tried a few times looking for a different job, but have had no success.
Third front: Irish dance
1) This is one of the few great successes I have had, as I'm slowly but surely getting my steps together for my first feis next month...
Fourth front: Romance
1) This has been a total and unmitigated disaster; such that I have resolutely confined myself not to date again. After the whole Thom fiasco (surprisingly, we haven't killed each other.....yet.....), I went out on a date with a guy in Denver, and we chatted a while before he totally disappeared. The guy who followed was frankly crazy and said on the second date that he was in love with me. Stupidly, I let this continue for a couple more weeks until the insanity of my life prevented any meetings, wherein I came to my senses. I was flattered by compliments too readily and gave myself away to someone who didn't merit me.
Thereafter, I went out on a couple dates with a champion dancer, and was led to the same conclusions as my post-Thom experience, overall disappointment and a sense of rejection. I offered to go out to dinner and heard nothing for almost 5 days. Obviously, not the sign of someone interested in me.
As a consequence of all of this, I feel tired, and frankly, I've entered a depressed state, only dragging myself through on force. I long so desperately to just sleep in bed all day, and lament my existence, but being forced to work, to put some ridiculous smile on my face, and pretend to be happy to avoid answering questions about what's wrong with me.
I'm actually quite tired of my life right now, and I really could use something to just shake it up a little. Anyways, that's my brief on my life right now.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Jelly Man
I am the Jelly Man. My legs are like puddles of sludge under me. I spent over an hour and fifteen minutes dancing, much of it doing the warriors and dance above the rainbow sets. The thing is that over the last two months I've severely cut down on the amount of food I eat, so my average DCI is around 1500 calories (barring severe emotional distress).
I wish I were different as a person...and I think most people would understand the sense about which I'm talking. I thought for the first time in a while how different my life would be if I weren't gay. On one level, I know I'd be a lot less happy, but I'd be a lot more accomplished. If I were asexual (as I always wanted to be), I'd probably be at Harvard or Trinity right now, three years into my PhD. I'd be published. I'd know 12 or 13 languages.
But rather than continuing to fight my natural inclinations, I got tired and surrendered. If those natural inclinations never existed, I'd have done a lot more with my life than I have. I'd be someone spectacular...instead I'm me. I have to admit, I researched elective castration and seriously considered it once...until I found out insurance didn't cover it and it's up to 25,000.
I don't like me, as anyone with a brain can tell. I have so many reasons, most of them private, for not liking me. There's a lot more than the whole gay thing. It's easy to use that as a prop, because society anticipates that that's why people can hate themselves. My reasons are far more insidious.
I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself once this semester is over...I'm so screwed otherwise. Maybe I can get a second job...
I wish I were different as a person...and I think most people would understand the sense about which I'm talking. I thought for the first time in a while how different my life would be if I weren't gay. On one level, I know I'd be a lot less happy, but I'd be a lot more accomplished. If I were asexual (as I always wanted to be), I'd probably be at Harvard or Trinity right now, three years into my PhD. I'd be published. I'd know 12 or 13 languages.
But rather than continuing to fight my natural inclinations, I got tired and surrendered. If those natural inclinations never existed, I'd have done a lot more with my life than I have. I'd be someone spectacular...instead I'm me. I have to admit, I researched elective castration and seriously considered it once...until I found out insurance didn't cover it and it's up to 25,000.
I don't like me, as anyone with a brain can tell. I have so many reasons, most of them private, for not liking me. There's a lot more than the whole gay thing. It's easy to use that as a prop, because society anticipates that that's why people can hate themselves. My reasons are far more insidious.
I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself once this semester is over...I'm so screwed otherwise. Maybe I can get a second job...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Working on It
So this week was tougher than I anticipated. I'm nearing the one month stage of total solidarity....this Friday marks that point. But a huge part of my problem was not keeping myself occupied somehow, anyhow, in a meaningful kind of way. Plus, there were people I was chatting with online that kept wanting details. In any respect, it's caused me a lot of thought that I haven't wanted to deal with.
At the same time, this weekend, I was gripped with the desire to go out with anyone. Unfortunately, I don't have friends who have the liberty of dropping everything and just doing something with me, so I've had to content myself with working on history. I'm working really hard on getting super-advanced in my Mexico class so that I can finally focus on ancient. I have a LOT of my sources for ancient history just sitting on my desk waiting for me to peruse them.
However, I have about 88 pages left of revolutionary women in postrevolutionary Mexico to read, a book review to write, and then on top of that, next week's reading and book review to start on. It could be worse, because I barely finished reading my assignments for last week by this time and I hadn't started writing my essay yet.
I don't really know what I'm going to do when my semester is over, because I won't have the constant stress of school to worry about. I may go back to my languages. It's something to do, you know?
I've also had the strong desire to just go somewhere new. I was looking at last minute ticket prices, but the problem is that I'd have to fly someplace and basically turn around. I may spend next weekend up in Denver, depending on how far ahead I advance in my school work throughout the week.
I am really enjoying my progress in Irish dance. St. Patty's day has sort of prompted them to teach me more and more including more advanced reels, hard-toe techniques, and elements of my first jig. It's definitely my life saver when things have been shitty. Part of the problem is that I can't just go dance downstairs at night when things are tough, because my dad is asleep down there. This prompts more of my moving out desires, because I can find other spaces.
Speaking of which, I haven't heard a damn thing yet on how all of this is supposed to work. I'll probably hear like three days before I'm supposed to move (it always works like that).
I have been much desirous to do something else different. Restlessness has infected me.
At the same time, this weekend, I was gripped with the desire to go out with anyone. Unfortunately, I don't have friends who have the liberty of dropping everything and just doing something with me, so I've had to content myself with working on history. I'm working really hard on getting super-advanced in my Mexico class so that I can finally focus on ancient. I have a LOT of my sources for ancient history just sitting on my desk waiting for me to peruse them.
However, I have about 88 pages left of revolutionary women in postrevolutionary Mexico to read, a book review to write, and then on top of that, next week's reading and book review to start on. It could be worse, because I barely finished reading my assignments for last week by this time and I hadn't started writing my essay yet.
I don't really know what I'm going to do when my semester is over, because I won't have the constant stress of school to worry about. I may go back to my languages. It's something to do, you know?
I've also had the strong desire to just go somewhere new. I was looking at last minute ticket prices, but the problem is that I'd have to fly someplace and basically turn around. I may spend next weekend up in Denver, depending on how far ahead I advance in my school work throughout the week.
I am really enjoying my progress in Irish dance. St. Patty's day has sort of prompted them to teach me more and more including more advanced reels, hard-toe techniques, and elements of my first jig. It's definitely my life saver when things have been shitty. Part of the problem is that I can't just go dance downstairs at night when things are tough, because my dad is asleep down there. This prompts more of my moving out desires, because I can find other spaces.
Speaking of which, I haven't heard a damn thing yet on how all of this is supposed to work. I'll probably hear like three days before I'm supposed to move (it always works like that).
I have been much desirous to do something else different. Restlessness has infected me.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I Need to Not Have Evenings Off
Tonight is literally the first night in almost three weeks where I haven't had anything that I HAD to do at night. And, unfortunately, I got a little emotional. Emotional to the tune of two bags of Reese's Pieces and a venti skinny vanilla latte with an extra shot. Emotional to the tune of buying nice socks....and a Guinness shirt....and two Lady Antebellum CDs (as a corollary, that lead singer in the group is so FUCKING hot it's not even funny. Sorry. Had to say it)...and Nurse Jackie on DVD.
I'm sad tonight....I'm angry tonight too. It's easy for me to try to be objective, and to say those things to myself that my friends would say. It's another thing to not still be really hurt on one level. I know it's all stuff that I'll get over, but right now, I feel lonely, I feel a little used. I'm torn between the desire to start crying again and the desire to unleash my Irish rage and rip the skin off his face. I keep asking what I did wrong, and every time, I keep coming up with nothing. So then I go to the next question, and I ask what's wrong with me as a person, and those nasty lines come creeping into my head again.
So I listen to Need You Now, and I'm all into the "it's a quarter after one, I'm still alone and I need you now".
It kind of sucked when I went to Barnes and Noble and there was this teen magazine that said "does your first love last?" I stood there, looked at it, laughed out loud and even said out loud, alone, like a crazy person "Oh, no, because the first person I fell in love with doesn't give a fuck about me." On top of that, I've seen so many couples holding hands in the last few weeks. It's like God's laughing at me.
Despite all of this, I did decide to go ahead and move in...looking around the 1st of April. Which is better than that weekend after St Patty's like I thought it might be. Hopefully I'll move past a lot of this by then. There's just a strong pragmatic necessity that trumps my emotions on this, because I really need to get to where I'm not living at home.
I sometimes wonder if when I move out, I'll turn into a total recluse. I already tend to cloister. The odd thing is that he asked me to live with him in part to stop being a recluse himself. Whatever. It's a smart pragmatic move, even though the emotional side still causes me trouble.
The big good news was Mexican history. It sounded like bad news was going to come, especially when the teacher decided to pass around samples of other students' papers, and mine wasn't one of them. She was all "there were three really fantastic papers in this class", and I'm all "fuck, I'm already hosed". BUT, mine turned out to be one of them. Universal validation for my intelligence at least exists.
I may die alone, but goddammit, I'm going be one smart alone bastard! :)
I'm sad tonight....I'm angry tonight too. It's easy for me to try to be objective, and to say those things to myself that my friends would say. It's another thing to not still be really hurt on one level. I know it's all stuff that I'll get over, but right now, I feel lonely, I feel a little used. I'm torn between the desire to start crying again and the desire to unleash my Irish rage and rip the skin off his face. I keep asking what I did wrong, and every time, I keep coming up with nothing. So then I go to the next question, and I ask what's wrong with me as a person, and those nasty lines come creeping into my head again.
So I listen to Need You Now, and I'm all into the "it's a quarter after one, I'm still alone and I need you now".
It kind of sucked when I went to Barnes and Noble and there was this teen magazine that said "does your first love last?" I stood there, looked at it, laughed out loud and even said out loud, alone, like a crazy person "Oh, no, because the first person I fell in love with doesn't give a fuck about me." On top of that, I've seen so many couples holding hands in the last few weeks. It's like God's laughing at me.
Despite all of this, I did decide to go ahead and move in...looking around the 1st of April. Which is better than that weekend after St Patty's like I thought it might be. Hopefully I'll move past a lot of this by then. There's just a strong pragmatic necessity that trumps my emotions on this, because I really need to get to where I'm not living at home.
I sometimes wonder if when I move out, I'll turn into a total recluse. I already tend to cloister. The odd thing is that he asked me to live with him in part to stop being a recluse himself. Whatever. It's a smart pragmatic move, even though the emotional side still causes me trouble.
The big good news was Mexican history. It sounded like bad news was going to come, especially when the teacher decided to pass around samples of other students' papers, and mine wasn't one of them. She was all "there were three really fantastic papers in this class", and I'm all "fuck, I'm already hosed". BUT, mine turned out to be one of them. Universal validation for my intelligence at least exists.
I may die alone, but goddammit, I'm going be one smart alone bastard! :)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Gah! Caffeine's Not Enough
I'm unmotivated right now. I need to re-read my Mexico essay that I have to turn in tomorrow, and cut about 5 lines out of it to get it to around 5 pages. It's actually not half bad, but I need to do some more work with it. I'll do another read through tonight after I finish posting this, and have all my citations as in-text. That way tomorrow, I'll do a read-through in the AM before work, all of my formatting during my lunch break, and I'll be ready to turn in for class. In my interim between work and class, I'll type up my questions for discussion.
Oddly, I did all of this way early. Last time, I didn't even have one edit done on Tuesday morning, and this time, I'll have two done. On top of that, when I did discussion last, I did all of my questions the day of. This time, they're GOOD. I may even type them tonight if I can foment some kind of motivation.
I have another essay to write for next week, a book review. I actually have two in the next two weeks, so I'm going to do everything I can to read ahead this week during my low time. Wednesday comes to mind. I think I've moved on enough where reading doesn't lead me to constantly think about it as I'd lack focus. I'm going, once I finish said reviews, to take a nice BIG break from Mexico, and focus on ancient for a while.
It looks like the big move is going to be around April 1....I think? I never really know unless I'm actually doing it. That's good in time, and I'll have the hecticness of Irish dance, Mexican history, and a lot of ancient out of the way. I may try to see about starting to move some things in without occupying, if he's okay with it, just so I'm not doing it all in one day. I dunno. I'll figure it out as things get closer to then.
Irish dance has been both good and excruciating. The instructors were peeved tonight about a lot of things, and decided to take it out on us, so my points, sevens, and hop-backs were criticized. On top of that, my legs are jelly. In good news---Ray's got the backline of Warriors down.
I'm really tired all of a sudden. I need to kick myself into gear before my body gives out and I collapse into exhaustion.
Oddly, I did all of this way early. Last time, I didn't even have one edit done on Tuesday morning, and this time, I'll have two done. On top of that, when I did discussion last, I did all of my questions the day of. This time, they're GOOD. I may even type them tonight if I can foment some kind of motivation.
I have another essay to write for next week, a book review. I actually have two in the next two weeks, so I'm going to do everything I can to read ahead this week during my low time. Wednesday comes to mind. I think I've moved on enough where reading doesn't lead me to constantly think about it as I'd lack focus. I'm going, once I finish said reviews, to take a nice BIG break from Mexico, and focus on ancient for a while.
It looks like the big move is going to be around April 1....I think? I never really know unless I'm actually doing it. That's good in time, and I'll have the hecticness of Irish dance, Mexican history, and a lot of ancient out of the way. I may try to see about starting to move some things in without occupying, if he's okay with it, just so I'm not doing it all in one day. I dunno. I'll figure it out as things get closer to then.
Irish dance has been both good and excruciating. The instructors were peeved tonight about a lot of things, and decided to take it out on us, so my points, sevens, and hop-backs were criticized. On top of that, my legs are jelly. In good news---Ray's got the backline of Warriors down.
I'm really tired all of a sudden. I need to kick myself into gear before my body gives out and I collapse into exhaustion.
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