Jelly Man

I am the Jelly Man. My legs are like puddles of sludge under me. I spent over an hour and fifteen minutes dancing, much of it doing the warriors and dance above the rainbow sets. The thing is that over the last two months I've severely cut down on the amount of food I eat, so my average DCI is around 1500 calories (barring severe emotional distress).

I wish I were different as a person...and I think most people would understand the sense about which I'm talking. I thought for the first time in a while how different my life would be if I weren't gay. On one level, I know I'd be a lot less happy, but I'd be a lot more accomplished. If I were asexual (as I always wanted to be), I'd probably be at Harvard or Trinity right now, three years into my PhD. I'd be published. I'd know 12 or 13 languages.

But rather than continuing to fight my natural inclinations, I got tired and surrendered. If those natural inclinations never existed, I'd have done a lot more with my life than I have. I'd be someone spectacular...instead I'm me. I have to admit, I researched elective castration and seriously considered it once...until I found out insurance didn't cover it and it's up to 25,000.

I don't like me, as anyone with a brain can tell. I have so many reasons, most of them private, for not liking me. There's a lot more than the whole gay thing. It's easy to use that as a prop, because society anticipates that that's why people can hate themselves. My reasons are far more insidious.

I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself once this semester is over...I'm so screwed otherwise. Maybe I can get a second job...