So, anyone who sees my facebook noticed that I've decided to implement weekly resolutions instead of trying to live up to my annual ones. This week has been pretty successful, as I practiced Irish dancing everyday this week except tonight, due to my dad's sleep concerns, but 20 minutes a day of vigorous dancing had made my legs REALLY tired.
I got paid today, and all the money is pretty much gone...that's okay.
I'm looking at a place tomorrow to rent. It's $580 a month including utilities about 2 blocks north of Colorado College. It meets my desires of being far enough away from home to really get away from my family, but at the same time not so far from work that it's really difficult to make it there on time. Sure, if I pick it, it'll mean an extra 20 minute commute, but I could live with that.
I filed my taxes for this year already...which is good. I get over $1600 back, so that makes me REALLY happy. I found a good use for some of that money. I'm going to get a $30 pair of light slacks tomorrow and some red shoes. I'm taking Thom out for his birthday dinner to a nicish restaurant on the north side of town, but not a place that's really formal, so he doesn't feel under-dressed, like he did the last time I took him out to the Cheyenne Mountain Resort. I also got him a book on how to survive ninjas, since he's taking karate, a scented candle (my task is to keep buying those until I figure out his favorite smell, since he's made the mistake of telling me his favorite animals, movies, and flowers), and some Lindt chocolates. Plus I'm going to write a short, yet sappy card about how thankful I am that he can put up with me as much as he does---anyone who really knows me knows that I'm hard as hell to live with in any sense, and the fact that he manages at all speaks volumes.
I've come to the point where I can mope around, or I can challenge myself to be and do better, in that respect and others. I've chosen the latter. Instead of moping around, I'm going to generally invite him out once a week and do my damnest to win him over without being a sack of potatoes. Exceptions are the next two weeks--his actual birthday he should spend with family and closer friends, and after that it's Valentine's day, and I don't want to show the presumption that I'm all over him for that. I may send flowers on Valentine's day, but not much more because I think that would make him uncomfortable.
Work this week was kind of tough on me physically...headaches 3/5 days, and a lot of muscle strain in my neck and back. On top of that, my PTO situation gets worse. It was fixed to where I had 12.27 hours, but on Friday that dropped to 11.84 instead of going UP to 15.32. Ugh.
I need to work on some history--I was doing really good getting ahead, and this week has not been good for that. I also need to clean up/out my room. It'll be on the agenda between seeing the place/getting my outfit and spoiling Thom to a dinner he deserves.
Does it help that I'm smiling thinking about him laughing when he reads his book or the smirk he'll (hopefully) get on his face when he opens his presents? That one little smile is worth far more to me that any cost. I'd bankrupt myself if it meant seeing that smile once. Where did my heart and mind of ice go?
Wherever they went, I hope they don't come back....
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Ray Needs to Ban Physical Duress Posting
So, my post this morning was made having had no sleep at all for over 24 hours. I got no sleep whatsoever last night. I have an incredibly sensitive physiology, as I have found over the years. All kinds of OTC drugs affect me in ways they shouldn't, alcohol apparently hits me hard (I had dry heaves this AM after posting, and that was from three drinks spread out over like 6 hours), and not sleeping is the quickest way to weaken my normally strong emotional controls.
I'm aware of the fact that my emotions are incredibly powerful and that I normally have to curtail them. I think their potency comes from years of stifling them, so while a certain emotional reaction that I do have comes across as a baseline for me, for other people, it can be very intense. Curtailing normally works for me quite well...but not when the basic physical conditions that I need (sleep, sobriety, and clear-headedness) are gone.
But yes, today was spent on banal activities, since I had little cerebral function and wasn't confident enough in the well-being of my digestive system to go anywhere. I read all of my Mexico readings for this week and got a really good head start on next week's readings already. If I work on it more tomorrow and Tuesday, I should be one week ahead of the curve in that class. This is particularly important, because looking at how the semester is going to pan out, I'm going to need to take advantage of ANY lull in my daily activities to advocate getting ahead in my classes.
I noticed today that Hawaii's state senate passed by an overwhelming margin a civil unions law. Frankly, I was kind of surprised that it happened...but, looking at where things are in the US, Latin America, and Europe, I think 2010 is going to be much like 2009, only with fewer staggering setbacks, such as those we had in New York, New Jersey, and Maine. My guess is that civil union legislation will be successful in several states, including Colorado, where a ballot initiative looks certain to come to vote this November. With respect to marriage rights, I can only anticipate one or two states joining the fold, because of the overwhelming state constitutional barriers to legislative movements. The first one will be Rhode Island, which polls with strong support for equal rights. My second state, should there be another, would probably be a DC area state like Delaware, where the Catholic church is not too powerful and where people tend to be a little more liberal. Globally, the situation looks ripe for change, as Portugal, Nepal, and Slovenia are all certain to enact marriage laws, and it looks promising in Argentina, Uruguay, Iceland, and several other European states.
I paid off my car insurance for the next six months today (thankfully), and payday comes in just five more days!
I'm excited for Irish dance tomorrow. I've decided to go ahead and do St Patrick's day performances. I need to get over the whole "I don't look very good doing this" thing and just enjoy it. Besides, I've seen too many other people performing things in their lives, and it's time I start being an actor too (good God, how philosophical is THAT?).
well, my lavender tea is starting to kick in on my brain and I have 7 pages of reading left before I finish this chapter I'm on. TO BED FOOL!
I'm aware of the fact that my emotions are incredibly powerful and that I normally have to curtail them. I think their potency comes from years of stifling them, so while a certain emotional reaction that I do have comes across as a baseline for me, for other people, it can be very intense. Curtailing normally works for me quite well...but not when the basic physical conditions that I need (sleep, sobriety, and clear-headedness) are gone.
But yes, today was spent on banal activities, since I had little cerebral function and wasn't confident enough in the well-being of my digestive system to go anywhere. I read all of my Mexico readings for this week and got a really good head start on next week's readings already. If I work on it more tomorrow and Tuesday, I should be one week ahead of the curve in that class. This is particularly important, because looking at how the semester is going to pan out, I'm going to need to take advantage of ANY lull in my daily activities to advocate getting ahead in my classes.
I noticed today that Hawaii's state senate passed by an overwhelming margin a civil unions law. Frankly, I was kind of surprised that it happened...but, looking at where things are in the US, Latin America, and Europe, I think 2010 is going to be much like 2009, only with fewer staggering setbacks, such as those we had in New York, New Jersey, and Maine. My guess is that civil union legislation will be successful in several states, including Colorado, where a ballot initiative looks certain to come to vote this November. With respect to marriage rights, I can only anticipate one or two states joining the fold, because of the overwhelming state constitutional barriers to legislative movements. The first one will be Rhode Island, which polls with strong support for equal rights. My second state, should there be another, would probably be a DC area state like Delaware, where the Catholic church is not too powerful and where people tend to be a little more liberal. Globally, the situation looks ripe for change, as Portugal, Nepal, and Slovenia are all certain to enact marriage laws, and it looks promising in Argentina, Uruguay, Iceland, and several other European states.
I paid off my car insurance for the next six months today (thankfully), and payday comes in just five more days!
I'm excited for Irish dance tomorrow. I've decided to go ahead and do St Patrick's day performances. I need to get over the whole "I don't look very good doing this" thing and just enjoy it. Besides, I've seen too many other people performing things in their lives, and it's time I start being an actor too (good God, how philosophical is THAT?).
well, my lavender tea is starting to kick in on my brain and I have 7 pages of reading left before I finish this chapter I'm on. TO BED FOOL!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I Know I Can Do It
These last few days have built up confidence in me somewhat. Not really with work. That's been a really big sore spot, as each day this week I've developed multiple massive tension headaches that drive me insane and make me kind of bitchy. But, I must keep working to save up money to do what I want and must.
I missed out on lunch with Stacie today...things come up, so we'll meet again soon. We do need a boy bitching session soon though...because we're both going through boy frustrations.
Speaking of which...I will discuss more in the morning when I'm less sleepy...
I missed out on lunch with Stacie today...things come up, so we'll meet again soon. We do need a boy bitching session soon though...because we're both going through boy frustrations.
Speaking of which...I will discuss more in the morning when I'm less sleepy...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
One of Those Not So Good Nights
Last night was actually really good. Work was not too bad--normal level of business for a Monday, really. Irish dance was great--did my first group dance, the 6-hand Fairy Reel as well as started on basic reels. I don't have the kind of bounce I would love to have in my step yet, but with practice I should get there.
Today has not been that great of a day. I feel tired and worn out, and that nagging feeling I had on Saturday is amplified today by the combination of a bad day at work and not sleeping that well recently. I keep having this nagging thing inside that says that no matter what I do, I'm destined to be alone, unless I do what pretty much every other guy does and settles with crap just so he can be with someone.
It's just that I hate the point where I am in life. I hate the fact that I work a dead-end kind of job answering telephones and worrying about things like customer service and insurance cards. I hate that I only have 3 hours out of 30 done on my Master's degree and in all likelihood, that's not going to give me much satisfaction when I finish it either. I hate the fact that I don't feel important like I used to feel. Perhaps in the past, it was the result of self-delusion, that what I was doing at some point mattered.
In some ways, I did matter, because when I worked in the LTC, especially those times when I was assistant director, I was needed. Having me around meant that the lab functioned better and students that came in got the help they needed, and you could really see it. Now, it feels like all I do is the same monotony--take messages for nurses or schedule appointments. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I know that I need that in whatever I do long-term to really stay with something.
To be honest, what I could use is some external validation that I do in fact matter. It's hard, given my past, to try to keep myself perked up. I'd be tempted to say how, but given the fact that this is a public blog, I prefer not to say it.
In other news, meeting with Brandon this past weekend was refreshing, in part because it made up for the fact that Saturday was a disappointment. I like him quite a bit already, nothing that would threaten anything elsewhere, but I suppose if Thom ever told me that I don't have a shot in hell, after a long time trying to recover, I could see possibilities there. It's just that Thom has already informed Brandon that I'm committed to him (as Brandon had relayed to me once)...that's one of the things that's given me more hope that things will change on that front.
But Brandon is incredibly intelligent, and has a genuine confidence, I think, one that I wish I had. I've met with him twice, and I've already revealed my self-scathing nature..as he's already mentioned. I am glad that I've gotten to meet him a few times before he goes off to Korea. One of my personal challenges is going to be smarter than him by the time he gets back....not likely, but what's a challenge without the possibility of total failure?
I don't want to go through the next three days. Can we fast forward to Saturday?
Today has not been that great of a day. I feel tired and worn out, and that nagging feeling I had on Saturday is amplified today by the combination of a bad day at work and not sleeping that well recently. I keep having this nagging thing inside that says that no matter what I do, I'm destined to be alone, unless I do what pretty much every other guy does and settles with crap just so he can be with someone.
It's just that I hate the point where I am in life. I hate the fact that I work a dead-end kind of job answering telephones and worrying about things like customer service and insurance cards. I hate that I only have 3 hours out of 30 done on my Master's degree and in all likelihood, that's not going to give me much satisfaction when I finish it either. I hate the fact that I don't feel important like I used to feel. Perhaps in the past, it was the result of self-delusion, that what I was doing at some point mattered.
In some ways, I did matter, because when I worked in the LTC, especially those times when I was assistant director, I was needed. Having me around meant that the lab functioned better and students that came in got the help they needed, and you could really see it. Now, it feels like all I do is the same monotony--take messages for nurses or schedule appointments. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I know that I need that in whatever I do long-term to really stay with something.
To be honest, what I could use is some external validation that I do in fact matter. It's hard, given my past, to try to keep myself perked up. I'd be tempted to say how, but given the fact that this is a public blog, I prefer not to say it.
In other news, meeting with Brandon this past weekend was refreshing, in part because it made up for the fact that Saturday was a disappointment. I like him quite a bit already, nothing that would threaten anything elsewhere, but I suppose if Thom ever told me that I don't have a shot in hell, after a long time trying to recover, I could see possibilities there. It's just that Thom has already informed Brandon that I'm committed to him (as Brandon had relayed to me once)...that's one of the things that's given me more hope that things will change on that front.
But Brandon is incredibly intelligent, and has a genuine confidence, I think, one that I wish I had. I've met with him twice, and I've already revealed my self-scathing nature..as he's already mentioned. I am glad that I've gotten to meet him a few times before he goes off to Korea. One of my personal challenges is going to be smarter than him by the time he gets back....not likely, but what's a challenge without the possibility of total failure?
I don't want to go through the next three days. Can we fast forward to Saturday?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Pointless Daily Meanderings
It's not necessarily pointless to me, but I write about the last few days a little bit more.
Yesterday I started Irish dancing, so I learned the basics about going forwards and backwards, which I got relatively quickly thanks to my one semester of piano, oddly. I got the basics of moving a little quickly because I can count steps the same way I counted beats back in piano days. I definitely will be carrying on throughout the semester, and most likely, the year.
Work has been testing. Mondays are always busy, and typically require me to take ibuprofen, the one drug I know of that causes no mental side-effects. Those who have seen the emotional and physical exhaustion that I experience with things like cold medication and tylenol know that I hate taking drugs, so if it was bad enough that I wanted to pop a couple motrins in my day, it was long. Today was long too, and I felt unmotivated to be there for much of the day. I was impatient with the people on the phones and theirr really long stories about every little malady their child suffers, when all I want is a synopsis to I can determine whether to schedule an appointment or not.
The most vexing thing has to be the process of filling out new demographic forms, because the central office stupidly requires new everything with the change of year, and then we have to pass our frustrations onto the people who come in. I hate having to ask people for their money, to deal with insurance drama, and anything else that creeps into view. I hate the slowness of the day, and how many days, I'm desperate to find something to do. We really don't need five people there all the time, but my boss insists on having us all there. Really, we could rotate afternoons off, although because I want to build a war chest, I would be remiss to really take any time off.
In some of the slow time at work, today, I thought more about my situation, and about how I would really prefer to be doing something like writing or teaching, and how slowly time is going by for the semester to begin again, how I still have three more semesters after this, and in all that time, I'm going to accrue enough vacation hours to drive to Boise and back at best.
But, on the other hand, I've never made this much at one time, and I don't have the desire or the recourse to look elsewhere. Maybe in my next semester break (assuming I allow myself the occasion to take one...) I'll consider looking elsewhere, but for now, I am content in general with my position.
The other problem about how slow it is is that it allows frustration to build---frustration because there is so little that I can do. How little work there is at my job, and yet I am too tired often when I get home to work vigorously on my mind, and so I often watch movies and sew, which is why I cannot wait for the semester to begin (I have no choice otherwise).
On top of that, there is the frustration of knowing that there's nothing I can do. I just keep reminding myself that I have to be encouraging, supportive, and there, and that's the best that I can do. I don't have magical powers and never will. Maybe I've got something in me that can break it, and maybe I don't.
I'm tired. :(
Yesterday I started Irish dancing, so I learned the basics about going forwards and backwards, which I got relatively quickly thanks to my one semester of piano, oddly. I got the basics of moving a little quickly because I can count steps the same way I counted beats back in piano days. I definitely will be carrying on throughout the semester, and most likely, the year.
Work has been testing. Mondays are always busy, and typically require me to take ibuprofen, the one drug I know of that causes no mental side-effects. Those who have seen the emotional and physical exhaustion that I experience with things like cold medication and tylenol know that I hate taking drugs, so if it was bad enough that I wanted to pop a couple motrins in my day, it was long. Today was long too, and I felt unmotivated to be there for much of the day. I was impatient with the people on the phones and theirr really long stories about every little malady their child suffers, when all I want is a synopsis to I can determine whether to schedule an appointment or not.
The most vexing thing has to be the process of filling out new demographic forms, because the central office stupidly requires new everything with the change of year, and then we have to pass our frustrations onto the people who come in. I hate having to ask people for their money, to deal with insurance drama, and anything else that creeps into view. I hate the slowness of the day, and how many days, I'm desperate to find something to do. We really don't need five people there all the time, but my boss insists on having us all there. Really, we could rotate afternoons off, although because I want to build a war chest, I would be remiss to really take any time off.
In some of the slow time at work, today, I thought more about my situation, and about how I would really prefer to be doing something like writing or teaching, and how slowly time is going by for the semester to begin again, how I still have three more semesters after this, and in all that time, I'm going to accrue enough vacation hours to drive to Boise and back at best.
But, on the other hand, I've never made this much at one time, and I don't have the desire or the recourse to look elsewhere. Maybe in my next semester break (assuming I allow myself the occasion to take one...) I'll consider looking elsewhere, but for now, I am content in general with my position.
The other problem about how slow it is is that it allows frustration to build---frustration because there is so little that I can do. How little work there is at my job, and yet I am too tired often when I get home to work vigorously on my mind, and so I often watch movies and sew, which is why I cannot wait for the semester to begin (I have no choice otherwise).
On top of that, there is the frustration of knowing that there's nothing I can do. I just keep reminding myself that I have to be encouraging, supportive, and there, and that's the best that I can do. I don't have magical powers and never will. Maybe I've got something in me that can break it, and maybe I don't.
I'm tired. :(
Friday, January 1, 2010
I Am an Idiot
I've come to this conclusion several times. But tonight, I confirmed it.
I basically told the person that I'm absolutely crazy about that I don't have the balls to tell him that, because I'm scared he'll reject me again. That counts as stupid, right?
Basically, I'm doing an adequate job of torpedoing any chance I have. Why am I such a dorkbrain? GAH!
I basically told the person that I'm absolutely crazy about that I don't have the balls to tell him that, because I'm scared he'll reject me again. That counts as stupid, right?
Basically, I'm doing an adequate job of torpedoing any chance I have. Why am I such a dorkbrain? GAH!
What to Say?
I never really know what to say in a new blog. Normally, I write basic things about myself, the kind of person I am, my interests, etc. Unfortunately, by and large, I am an incredibly boring person who delights in things like learning foreign languages, loves history, any variety of coffee products, sewing, etc.
All of this makes me less than entertaining. While I do on occasion go out, I tend to be inhibited in public, because most of the people I go out with are people with whom I'm not out yet, thus it's difficult for me to be unrestrained.
The last month has been changing in many ways, in part because I was on the precipice of losing hope when I had just enough sent m way to keep hope alive. That's definitely been a great story for me over the last months: the struggle between being someone I know I can and should be, and the someone in my past who looks at me and says that I'm just not worth it.
One of the things I strongly dislike is that I'm looked at as nothing more by many as a piece of meat to be used and discarded. Our world is a strange one, as until you're 30, life is drama, drugs, and sex. It's a world that disgusts me, because while it might seem accepting in the view of social oppression, what it is in reality is surrendering to the expectations of a society that says "you're deviant, so act like it".
I am hit on frequently, but it's solely for sex. Where I long to swept off my feet authentically, by someone who wants all of me, I'm only superficially targeted by those who are looking to relive their glory days by having a one night stand with someone who's 22.
Objectively, I'm not an attractive man, and as I get older, this fake attention will dissipate. I don't have bulging muscles or one of those faces that just grabs at the heart right away. It's part of the reason why I've grown a beard, because it makes me look about 5 years older. Not surprisingly, I'm rarely looked at now.
I used to be a lot more motivated than I was, and I think it had to do with my visceral reactions to my self-loathing...part of the incomprehensible battle that I used to wage that I have won. I don't know that the war is over, because I still have days where I do wonder whether I matter, and I get hard on myself saying that my life is inadequate.
This name comes from one of my old emails back when I had a lot more confidence, but one that was fake. Now, as I emerge and find myself emboldened to be a better and stronger man, I find that I truly do have a Heart of Fire. Anyone who misses out on it is fundamentally a fool, something I was for a long time.
All of this makes me less than entertaining. While I do on occasion go out, I tend to be inhibited in public, because most of the people I go out with are people with whom I'm not out yet, thus it's difficult for me to be unrestrained.
The last month has been changing in many ways, in part because I was on the precipice of losing hope when I had just enough sent m way to keep hope alive. That's definitely been a great story for me over the last months: the struggle between being someone I know I can and should be, and the someone in my past who looks at me and says that I'm just not worth it.
One of the things I strongly dislike is that I'm looked at as nothing more by many as a piece of meat to be used and discarded. Our world is a strange one, as until you're 30, life is drama, drugs, and sex. It's a world that disgusts me, because while it might seem accepting in the view of social oppression, what it is in reality is surrendering to the expectations of a society that says "you're deviant, so act like it".
I am hit on frequently, but it's solely for sex. Where I long to swept off my feet authentically, by someone who wants all of me, I'm only superficially targeted by those who are looking to relive their glory days by having a one night stand with someone who's 22.
Objectively, I'm not an attractive man, and as I get older, this fake attention will dissipate. I don't have bulging muscles or one of those faces that just grabs at the heart right away. It's part of the reason why I've grown a beard, because it makes me look about 5 years older. Not surprisingly, I'm rarely looked at now.
I used to be a lot more motivated than I was, and I think it had to do with my visceral reactions to my self-loathing...part of the incomprehensible battle that I used to wage that I have won. I don't know that the war is over, because I still have days where I do wonder whether I matter, and I get hard on myself saying that my life is inadequate.
This name comes from one of my old emails back when I had a lot more confidence, but one that was fake. Now, as I emerge and find myself emboldened to be a better and stronger man, I find that I truly do have a Heart of Fire. Anyone who misses out on it is fundamentally a fool, something I was for a long time.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)