What to Say?

I never really know what to say in a new blog. Normally, I write basic things about myself, the kind of person I am, my interests, etc. Unfortunately, by and large, I am an incredibly boring person who delights in things like learning foreign languages, loves history, any variety of coffee products, sewing, etc.

All of this makes me less than entertaining. While I do on occasion go out, I tend to be inhibited in public, because most of the people I go out with are people with whom I'm not out yet, thus it's difficult for me to be unrestrained.

The last month has been changing in many ways, in part because I was on the precipice of losing hope when I had just enough sent m way to keep hope alive. That's definitely been a great story for me over the last months: the struggle between being someone I know I can and should be, and the someone in my past who looks at me and says that I'm just not worth it.

One of the things I strongly dislike is that I'm looked at as nothing more by many as a piece of meat to be used and discarded. Our world is a strange one, as until you're 30, life is drama, drugs, and sex. It's a world that disgusts me, because while it might seem accepting in the view of social oppression, what it is in reality is surrendering to the expectations of a society that says "you're deviant, so act like it".

I am hit on frequently, but it's solely for sex. Where I long to swept off my feet authentically, by someone who wants all of me, I'm only superficially targeted by those who are looking to relive their glory days by having a one night stand with someone who's 22.

Objectively, I'm not an attractive man, and as I get older, this fake attention will dissipate. I don't have bulging muscles or one of those faces that just grabs at the heart right away. It's part of the reason why I've grown a beard, because it makes me look about 5 years older. Not surprisingly, I'm rarely looked at now.

I used to be a lot more motivated than I was, and I think it had to do with my visceral reactions to my self-loathing...part of the incomprehensible battle that I used to wage that I have won. I don't know that the war is over, because I still have days where I do wonder whether I matter, and I get hard on myself saying that my life is inadequate.

This name comes from one of my old emails back when I had a lot more confidence, but one that was fake. Now, as I emerge and find myself emboldened to be a better and stronger man, I find that I truly do have a Heart of Fire. Anyone who misses out on it is fundamentally a fool, something I was for a long time.