Last night was actually really good. Work was not too bad--normal level of business for a Monday, really. Irish dance was great--did my first group dance, the 6-hand Fairy Reel as well as started on basic reels. I don't have the kind of bounce I would love to have in my step yet, but with practice I should get there.
Today has not been that great of a day. I feel tired and worn out, and that nagging feeling I had on Saturday is amplified today by the combination of a bad day at work and not sleeping that well recently. I keep having this nagging thing inside that says that no matter what I do, I'm destined to be alone, unless I do what pretty much every other guy does and settles with crap just so he can be with someone.
It's just that I hate the point where I am in life. I hate the fact that I work a dead-end kind of job answering telephones and worrying about things like customer service and insurance cards. I hate that I only have 3 hours out of 30 done on my Master's degree and in all likelihood, that's not going to give me much satisfaction when I finish it either. I hate the fact that I don't feel important like I used to feel. Perhaps in the past, it was the result of self-delusion, that what I was doing at some point mattered.
In some ways, I did matter, because when I worked in the LTC, especially those times when I was assistant director, I was needed. Having me around meant that the lab functioned better and students that came in got the help they needed, and you could really see it. Now, it feels like all I do is the same monotony--take messages for nurses or schedule appointments. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I know that I need that in whatever I do long-term to really stay with something.
To be honest, what I could use is some external validation that I do in fact matter. It's hard, given my past, to try to keep myself perked up. I'd be tempted to say how, but given the fact that this is a public blog, I prefer not to say it.
In other news, meeting with Brandon this past weekend was refreshing, in part because it made up for the fact that Saturday was a disappointment. I like him quite a bit already, nothing that would threaten anything elsewhere, but I suppose if Thom ever told me that I don't have a shot in hell, after a long time trying to recover, I could see possibilities there. It's just that Thom has already informed Brandon that I'm committed to him (as Brandon had relayed to me once)...that's one of the things that's given me more hope that things will change on that front.
But Brandon is incredibly intelligent, and has a genuine confidence, I think, one that I wish I had. I've met with him twice, and I've already revealed my self-scathing nature..as he's already mentioned. I am glad that I've gotten to meet him a few times before he goes off to Korea. One of my personal challenges is going to be smarter than him by the time he gets back....not likely, but what's a challenge without the possibility of total failure?
I don't want to go through the next three days. Can we fast forward to Saturday?
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