So I've been doing pretty much anything I can think of to avoid thinking excessively about the last few weeks. Whenever I do, my self-evisceration mechanisms kick in pretty quickly. If you look at the facts, I spent 8 months pursuing a guy who never developed any kind of interest in me. That reflects poorly on the pursuer, I think. So I've frequently been looking at myself when I have too much spare time, and thus I start the slide into self-criticism. I've been really critical about how I look on the first level. I mean, I've been going back to the days where I said I was absolutely hideous and didn't want to be looked at at all. On my drive home last night, I started thinking about how I need to get long pants for dance class because I don't want my legs to show any more.
Essentially on the image department, this experience has completely reverted me. I don't want to be looked at and I don't think I should be.
But on top of that, some of my rage has become more insidious, along the lines of the old days that said "you're not worth being loved".
At the same time though, there's a resiliency that was not there six months ago or even one. Thinking about it, if he had not strung me along, the emotional devastation I would have felt would have been enough to throw me into a tailspin of drinking or sex--and that's part of how I see why so many gay men are like it. Trust me, I've been tempted, but there's a line in the sand--one I will NOT cross. I may eat ice cream, cry, break a box of pencils, or have a drink; but I refuse to be used and mistreated.
It's kind of odd that I have these tapes playing in my head that I'm basically shit and deserve to be treated as such, but I utterly and completely refuse to consent to be treated in such a way. I'm slowly becoming accustomed to the fact that I make no sense.
At the same time, I'm realizing this contradiction means I will likely be spending a VERY long time alone, because I've erected so many personal barriers in the last weeks that I won't be letting anyone in. I don't really want to go through this amount of pain AGAIN.
I had one night this week (after posting on Sunday or Monday or whenever it was) of crying, which is good. I figure when I stop crying, it'll be a really good sign.
This week has been stressful at work with oodles of patients, and all kinds of things that continue to make me feel like I do nothing right there. It's a concern I've brought up to one of my coworkers, and she said that she felt the same way for over a year and a half.
I decided when they start making me copy Drivers Licenses, I'm going to file an identity theft red flag. I find it utterly and completely wrong that people should be expected to submit their identification to be photocopied.
Homework today is going to suck--I have about 45 pages of reading Mexico, I have to come up with a boatload of discussion questions since I'm leader on Tuesday, and Thrill of Thrills, I have an essay due on Tuesday on some aspect of Mexican state formation. I'm not totally sure how I'm going to construct it yet, but it'll be done. I feel more confident for this one than I did my last essay, which is a good sign.
Ugh Travail fool!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Doing A Lot Better Than I Imagined
We met up on Sunday night, where I basically head what I expected---no shot in hell. Although I've been sad at times, I've been more relieved than anything that we're going to go a different direction in our relationship. I realized I have two choices-I can refuse to accept that he doesn't want me and fight like hell, ultimately to lose him in my life; or I can accept that despite the fact we're not destined for THAT kind of a relationship, it doesn't mean that good friends can't do a lot together anyways. There's a niche that friends occupy that a partner can't, I think.
So, I've had a few moments of sadness, but in all, like my facebook status said, in all, I am proud of the experience and the man I've become as a result of it.
The interesting part is that I'm now entertaining an offer to room with him. Apparently, I'm one of the few people he would trust to live with him and respect the fact that he needs space too. At first, I was really confused emotionally by it, but considering it'll be more than a month out, I think the timeline will be sufficient in transferring my emotions from amorous to fealtous kinds. Part of me questions whether I'm using this as a last chance to win him, but I've realized that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I can transition my emotions as I have before.
At the same time, I told him that if I were to take him up on his offer, it would still be difficult for me to know about other men he's with until I've made that transition completely. So long as the thought of him being with someone else hurts, that's how I'll know that the transition is incomplete.
I thought I would need closure, but I really don't, because I'm enough to give myself closure.
Moving out with him is a good transition point for me, because it gives me freedom from home, I trust him not to kill me and to pay his part of the rent, and I don't have to pay the massive amounts of money involved in living alone. Plus, living with someone who's not family gives me the chance to avoid my reclusive tendencies. At first, things would be awkward, but we live pretty similarly, and we're so busy during the week and most weekends we wouldn't see each other that much, especially between now and summer. I like how it's in a victorian style house and not an apartment complex, and it would only cost me ~$350 a month.
So realistically, the only limitation is reconciling my feelings with the general situation. I know I'm strong enough to do it, so my main thing is how long it would take. I'm thinking about the weekend after St. Patty's day, in part because I can save some extra money, take care of a LOT of work for school, and I'll acrue enough time off to take that Friday off too so I can move in whilst he's at work.
I know it doesn't make a whole lot of wise sense right now, but there are very strong pragmatic reasons for this probable choice.
Work and school continue to try and consume my life. I have so much reading and writing to do for my two history courses, it's not even funny. I've read almost 100 pages tonight for Mexico (I have like 80 more for Tuesday, plus an essay, plus discussion questions). I think I'm going to foucs my essay on indigenismo as an ethically constitutive story of Mexican state formation.
Back to reading.
So, I've had a few moments of sadness, but in all, like my facebook status said, in all, I am proud of the experience and the man I've become as a result of it.
The interesting part is that I'm now entertaining an offer to room with him. Apparently, I'm one of the few people he would trust to live with him and respect the fact that he needs space too. At first, I was really confused emotionally by it, but considering it'll be more than a month out, I think the timeline will be sufficient in transferring my emotions from amorous to fealtous kinds. Part of me questions whether I'm using this as a last chance to win him, but I've realized that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I can transition my emotions as I have before.
At the same time, I told him that if I were to take him up on his offer, it would still be difficult for me to know about other men he's with until I've made that transition completely. So long as the thought of him being with someone else hurts, that's how I'll know that the transition is incomplete.
I thought I would need closure, but I really don't, because I'm enough to give myself closure.
Moving out with him is a good transition point for me, because it gives me freedom from home, I trust him not to kill me and to pay his part of the rent, and I don't have to pay the massive amounts of money involved in living alone. Plus, living with someone who's not family gives me the chance to avoid my reclusive tendencies. At first, things would be awkward, but we live pretty similarly, and we're so busy during the week and most weekends we wouldn't see each other that much, especially between now and summer. I like how it's in a victorian style house and not an apartment complex, and it would only cost me ~$350 a month.
So realistically, the only limitation is reconciling my feelings with the general situation. I know I'm strong enough to do it, so my main thing is how long it would take. I'm thinking about the weekend after St. Patty's day, in part because I can save some extra money, take care of a LOT of work for school, and I'll acrue enough time off to take that Friday off too so I can move in whilst he's at work.
I know it doesn't make a whole lot of wise sense right now, but there are very strong pragmatic reasons for this probable choice.
Work and school continue to try and consume my life. I have so much reading and writing to do for my two history courses, it's not even funny. I've read almost 100 pages tonight for Mexico (I have like 80 more for Tuesday, plus an essay, plus discussion questions). I think I'm going to foucs my essay on indigenismo as an ethically constitutive story of Mexican state formation.
Back to reading.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Cuando habra respuestos a todas mis preguntas?
This week has been pretty torturous to me. The emotional factors involved with this week have been serious, and complicating that was the intense stress involved with both my ancient history and Mexico courses. I really don't feel like I have any kind of a handle on either course adequately to justify myself as an historian. I keep reminding myself that I am working more than 40 hours a week, and that most people who do graduate programs don't work full time in addition to classes.
In addition, work was endless stress this week. The central administrative office is run by a large congregation of buffoons, in my oh so humble opinion. They keep adding on more ridiculous things that we need to be doing in our various positions, such that it is not possible to both provide good customer service and perform all the tasks they demand of us.
This is what check-in is going to look like starting Monday:
1) We have to ensure that an updated demographic form for 2010 exists on file. While we're increasingly reaching the point where this is the case, there are still enough people who have not been in the office in 2010 to make this problematic.
2) We have to ensure that an updated copy of the insurance card for 2010 is on file. This may change, and we may have to make copies of the insurance card EVERY time someone comes into the office.
3) We have to ensure that every child has an electronic survey information sheet filled out per federal law...(this is new).
4) We have to ensure that there exists a copy of identification for each child's caretaker exists on file. I am personally extremely opposed to this due to the possibility of identity theft, but since I'm a minion, my opinions don't matter. I imagine there will be a lot of problems with this one, which my office manager will have to deal with. I can see asking to SEE ID on every visit, but to have an ID copied into a chart is totally different.
5) We have to collect a copay. With cash, we have to write a physical receipt. The credit card system operates via internet, and the system kicks us out after three minutes of inactivity. It takes three minutes to log-in, and we have to manually enter all patient information before we even enter the payment. At this point, we've now taken over 5 minutes.
6) We have to have paperwork for the visit filled out--wellness or sick visits. A lot of times, we can have parents do this while we're doing everything else.
7) We have to make copies of everything and make sure it's perfectly legible.
This entire process is too much for two people doing check-in to do. Realistically, we need three, but when you're a minion, no one wants to hear you talk or suggest, what they want is you doing what you're told.
Fundamentally, I do not like my job or the bureaucracy involved.
On top of that, my body decided that sleep was not necessary most of the week.
The only blessing involved in the business of school/work has been that it has afforded me little time to think about the whole emotional turmoil thing. It was very odd, because on Wednesday, he texted me telling me that he's sorry he hasn't talked much, but that things have been difficult for him, etc. The bizarre thing is that as a result of some financial woes on his part, he's asking me to room with him.
Despite a strong inclination not to do this for emotional reasons, I have to admit that this is the kind of opportunity I need to finally move out of home. I listened to the financial/legal aspects of his proposal yesterday and I'd get a room and equal access to other living areas for around 325 a month. I don't have much occasion in which we'd interact, thanks to dance, work, and school. Fundamentally, it would give me freedom from home and start me on the path to really being an adult without losing all kinds of money. On top of that, despite our nebulous relationship, the fact is that I know he would not put me in a financially obscure situation by not paying his share of rent. He has stronger investment in the house, because he wants to own it someday.
The way I see it, this is a temporary thing until his finances are worked out. That would be okay with me, because I live so minimalistically that I require very little room, and thus can tolerate a certain element of uncertainty. I said that I would have to have at least a month's notice if he wants me to leave.
On top of that, I said that certainty on the boundaries of our relationship are necessary before I could seriously consider his offer. We're discussing this today, but I already know what's going to happen. He's going to tell me that I'm a very nice person who will someday make someone very happy, but we're not happening. I'll sort of implied that with everything going on with school and dance, I'd be looking at the weekend AFTER St. Patty's Day, which would give me enough time to get over him....methinks.
It sucks, and I'm going to get hurt all over again, but at least this whole awkwardness at least means that I'll get the answer I deserve...one that's not silence.
I've thought a lot about what to do after I get over him. I think I'm going to just avoid the whole relationship thing for a while. I need to focus on what I need to get done rather than anything else. I'm not sure if I want to actively reject one if one happens to come or not yet; bbut my inclination over these next weeks is going to be to focus heavily on work and school and doing everything I can to advance my life position.
I'm going to buy a kilt for Irish dance. Dance has been the one thing that has given me any kind of sanity in the last week. I wish I was more talented than I am, because my retinue is so small that I wear out my knowledge of dance after 30 minutes, and I would thoroughly enjoy at least 2 hours worth of dances I could do just to exhaust myself and give myself perspective. I learned the baby-jig on Saturday, and I may learn the double-reel on Monday...I'm also going to suggest a strong interest in learning Siamsa.
Perhaps I'll go back to work...
In addition, work was endless stress this week. The central administrative office is run by a large congregation of buffoons, in my oh so humble opinion. They keep adding on more ridiculous things that we need to be doing in our various positions, such that it is not possible to both provide good customer service and perform all the tasks they demand of us.
This is what check-in is going to look like starting Monday:
1) We have to ensure that an updated demographic form for 2010 exists on file. While we're increasingly reaching the point where this is the case, there are still enough people who have not been in the office in 2010 to make this problematic.
2) We have to ensure that an updated copy of the insurance card for 2010 is on file. This may change, and we may have to make copies of the insurance card EVERY time someone comes into the office.
3) We have to ensure that every child has an electronic survey information sheet filled out per federal law...(this is new).
4) We have to ensure that there exists a copy of identification for each child's caretaker exists on file. I am personally extremely opposed to this due to the possibility of identity theft, but since I'm a minion, my opinions don't matter. I imagine there will be a lot of problems with this one, which my office manager will have to deal with. I can see asking to SEE ID on every visit, but to have an ID copied into a chart is totally different.
5) We have to collect a copay. With cash, we have to write a physical receipt. The credit card system operates via internet, and the system kicks us out after three minutes of inactivity. It takes three minutes to log-in, and we have to manually enter all patient information before we even enter the payment. At this point, we've now taken over 5 minutes.
6) We have to have paperwork for the visit filled out--wellness or sick visits. A lot of times, we can have parents do this while we're doing everything else.
7) We have to make copies of everything and make sure it's perfectly legible.
This entire process is too much for two people doing check-in to do. Realistically, we need three, but when you're a minion, no one wants to hear you talk or suggest, what they want is you doing what you're told.
Fundamentally, I do not like my job or the bureaucracy involved.
On top of that, my body decided that sleep was not necessary most of the week.
The only blessing involved in the business of school/work has been that it has afforded me little time to think about the whole emotional turmoil thing. It was very odd, because on Wednesday, he texted me telling me that he's sorry he hasn't talked much, but that things have been difficult for him, etc. The bizarre thing is that as a result of some financial woes on his part, he's asking me to room with him.
Despite a strong inclination not to do this for emotional reasons, I have to admit that this is the kind of opportunity I need to finally move out of home. I listened to the financial/legal aspects of his proposal yesterday and I'd get a room and equal access to other living areas for around 325 a month. I don't have much occasion in which we'd interact, thanks to dance, work, and school. Fundamentally, it would give me freedom from home and start me on the path to really being an adult without losing all kinds of money. On top of that, despite our nebulous relationship, the fact is that I know he would not put me in a financially obscure situation by not paying his share of rent. He has stronger investment in the house, because he wants to own it someday.
The way I see it, this is a temporary thing until his finances are worked out. That would be okay with me, because I live so minimalistically that I require very little room, and thus can tolerate a certain element of uncertainty. I said that I would have to have at least a month's notice if he wants me to leave.
On top of that, I said that certainty on the boundaries of our relationship are necessary before I could seriously consider his offer. We're discussing this today, but I already know what's going to happen. He's going to tell me that I'm a very nice person who will someday make someone very happy, but we're not happening. I'll sort of implied that with everything going on with school and dance, I'd be looking at the weekend AFTER St. Patty's Day, which would give me enough time to get over him....methinks.
It sucks, and I'm going to get hurt all over again, but at least this whole awkwardness at least means that I'll get the answer I deserve...one that's not silence.
I've thought a lot about what to do after I get over him. I think I'm going to just avoid the whole relationship thing for a while. I need to focus on what I need to get done rather than anything else. I'm not sure if I want to actively reject one if one happens to come or not yet; bbut my inclination over these next weeks is going to be to focus heavily on work and school and doing everything I can to advance my life position.
I'm going to buy a kilt for Irish dance. Dance has been the one thing that has given me any kind of sanity in the last week. I wish I was more talented than I am, because my retinue is so small that I wear out my knowledge of dance after 30 minutes, and I would thoroughly enjoy at least 2 hours worth of dances I could do just to exhaust myself and give myself perspective. I learned the baby-jig on Saturday, and I may learn the double-reel on Monday...I'm also going to suggest a strong interest in learning Siamsa.
Perhaps I'll go back to work...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Trying to Recover
These last few days have been very difficult for me. I'm in this really bad place with respect to the rest of my life, because it roars at me, when more than anything I want it to go away for a little while.
Case in point: I have this massive paper on Mexican historiography due today (it sucks ass), I have a project presentation due in ancient Thursday (I haven't started). Work continues to occupy my life and cause ridiculous levels of stress, and I may actually have to ask for time off today if I don't feel confident in this paper at all after a couple of edits, which will cause all kinds of upset about my PTO situation.
I've cried so many times in the last five days, it's not even funny. I have so many questions left unanswered, and I think I deserve answers that I know I'll never get.
Thom has no spine to tell me what I deserve to know, he has no guts to face me and answer my questions; so I have to move on alone with the hope that I am enough for someone. I have to face my self-doubts on my own and I have to accept the fact that fundamentally somewhere I failed.
Lent starts tomorrow, and my hope is that it will prove to be a good time for me to give up the amorous feelings I have towards him. My sincere hope is that we can still be on friendly terms, because he is a good man, and I like his company (speaking in an objective sense, I can see THAT clearly). But I still have to have time to recover, to take solace in my friends, and to grow. I will cry today, tomorrow, or next week. But the day will come where thinking about him doesn't make me sad.
And that day, if I see him online, I will say hi, and I will ask him how life is, and I will be the bigger man.
Still, at the same time, the fact that I know that day will come does not make today any easier. It doesn't make the sting of rejection any less potent. It doesn't minimize the temptation to do all sorts of things that make me feel good right now, but in the end will just hurt me.
All I can say is "thank God for Irish dance", because it has made my life so much easier when things have been rough over the last month.
Case in point: I have this massive paper on Mexican historiography due today (it sucks ass), I have a project presentation due in ancient Thursday (I haven't started). Work continues to occupy my life and cause ridiculous levels of stress, and I may actually have to ask for time off today if I don't feel confident in this paper at all after a couple of edits, which will cause all kinds of upset about my PTO situation.
I've cried so many times in the last five days, it's not even funny. I have so many questions left unanswered, and I think I deserve answers that I know I'll never get.
Thom has no spine to tell me what I deserve to know, he has no guts to face me and answer my questions; so I have to move on alone with the hope that I am enough for someone. I have to face my self-doubts on my own and I have to accept the fact that fundamentally somewhere I failed.
Lent starts tomorrow, and my hope is that it will prove to be a good time for me to give up the amorous feelings I have towards him. My sincere hope is that we can still be on friendly terms, because he is a good man, and I like his company (speaking in an objective sense, I can see THAT clearly). But I still have to have time to recover, to take solace in my friends, and to grow. I will cry today, tomorrow, or next week. But the day will come where thinking about him doesn't make me sad.
And that day, if I see him online, I will say hi, and I will ask him how life is, and I will be the bigger man.
Still, at the same time, the fact that I know that day will come does not make today any easier. It doesn't make the sting of rejection any less potent. It doesn't minimize the temptation to do all sorts of things that make me feel good right now, but in the end will just hurt me.
All I can say is "thank God for Irish dance", because it has made my life so much easier when things have been rough over the last month.
Friday, February 12, 2010
So, I Am An Idiot
Okay, I know I've been swinging kind of wildly between being really happy and being really depressed over the last couple of weeks. The thing is that my heart has been thrown in all kinds of different directions, and recent events have proven to have at last broken it for sure.
I have been totally and completely ignored this week. I asked if he wanted to see a movie with me on Sunday night, and I heard nothing. I preordered flowers weeks ago, and chocolates to be delivered yesterday (according to the confirmation orders, they were). I even sent him an email where I got the balls to say that I want to be with him in a serious relationship. His response to these efforts was silence. I don't care what it is that you're going through, when someone sends you flowers telling you that you're a wonderful person, you don't ignore him.
Suffice it to say, my heart has finally realized that despite the fact that I am in love with him, he holds no regard for me.
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days crying. I've eaten a LOT of shit food that makes me sick, and thus, have been sick. I've tried working without cessation when I haven't been eating or crying to prevent myself from eating or crying.
I don't know what it was...last weekend we seemed to have a good time, and over the course of time, we had been getting closer...but then all of a sudden he cuts me out.
And so I will still be friendly, even if he treats me like shit, because I don't hold vengeance to be a good policy. He's hurt and damaged and as a result is willing to hurt and damage others. Forgiveness is the best policy.
At the same time though, the fact that I WAS an idiot does not mean that I will be again. I can't stand the thought of talking to him or looking at him right now without a sense of total disappointment and heartbreak. I can't even imagine asking how things are going. It'll take weeks before I can do that again, at the minimum.
If he were to approach me, I don't know that I could take him in as willingly as I would have, because my protective barriers have gone back up. He would have to prove himself to me, basically from the beginning, and knowing him, I'd be lucky if he even said hi to me. He would have to make efforts and to try.
Just because I love him still does not mean that I'd let him in.
Fortunately for me, I do have my coping mechanisms. I'm much stronger than I was months ago, and I think that if it were not for the confidence that I have gained in myself over time, I would probably be drinking right now (ok, so I did a little last night...); hell, I might be looking to hook-up myself, despite the grave moral and intellectual approbations that I bear for doing such things.
The fact of the matter is that despite the fact that my heart is broken, HE is the true idiot, for he passed me up. I never have to bear regrets for my conduct, for I acted righteously and nobly, and I did my damnedest to win him over. I am a good, kind, and decent man who doesn't need to use another person to get over someone else; I don't need to subject my body and my conscience to the whims of someone else for their sadistic satisfactions. I don't have to turn to drugs or alcohol to cope. Sure, I use chocolate, french fries, and sugary coffee to try to make myself feel better; and I will turn into a raging workaholic for the next few weeks, but I will not allow myself to be compromised because of my own wounds.
I deserve a lot better than how he treated me. THAT I see clearly.
And so, I start again.
I have been totally and completely ignored this week. I asked if he wanted to see a movie with me on Sunday night, and I heard nothing. I preordered flowers weeks ago, and chocolates to be delivered yesterday (according to the confirmation orders, they were). I even sent him an email where I got the balls to say that I want to be with him in a serious relationship. His response to these efforts was silence. I don't care what it is that you're going through, when someone sends you flowers telling you that you're a wonderful person, you don't ignore him.
Suffice it to say, my heart has finally realized that despite the fact that I am in love with him, he holds no regard for me.
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days crying. I've eaten a LOT of shit food that makes me sick, and thus, have been sick. I've tried working without cessation when I haven't been eating or crying to prevent myself from eating or crying.
I don't know what it was...last weekend we seemed to have a good time, and over the course of time, we had been getting closer...but then all of a sudden he cuts me out.
And so I will still be friendly, even if he treats me like shit, because I don't hold vengeance to be a good policy. He's hurt and damaged and as a result is willing to hurt and damage others. Forgiveness is the best policy.
At the same time though, the fact that I WAS an idiot does not mean that I will be again. I can't stand the thought of talking to him or looking at him right now without a sense of total disappointment and heartbreak. I can't even imagine asking how things are going. It'll take weeks before I can do that again, at the minimum.
If he were to approach me, I don't know that I could take him in as willingly as I would have, because my protective barriers have gone back up. He would have to prove himself to me, basically from the beginning, and knowing him, I'd be lucky if he even said hi to me. He would have to make efforts and to try.
Just because I love him still does not mean that I'd let him in.
Fortunately for me, I do have my coping mechanisms. I'm much stronger than I was months ago, and I think that if it were not for the confidence that I have gained in myself over time, I would probably be drinking right now (ok, so I did a little last night...); hell, I might be looking to hook-up myself, despite the grave moral and intellectual approbations that I bear for doing such things.
The fact of the matter is that despite the fact that my heart is broken, HE is the true idiot, for he passed me up. I never have to bear regrets for my conduct, for I acted righteously and nobly, and I did my damnedest to win him over. I am a good, kind, and decent man who doesn't need to use another person to get over someone else; I don't need to subject my body and my conscience to the whims of someone else for their sadistic satisfactions. I don't have to turn to drugs or alcohol to cope. Sure, I use chocolate, french fries, and sugary coffee to try to make myself feel better; and I will turn into a raging workaholic for the next few weeks, but I will not allow myself to be compromised because of my own wounds.
I deserve a lot better than how he treated me. THAT I see clearly.
And so, I start again.
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