Doing the Little Things Helps

So I've been doing pretty much anything I can think of to avoid thinking excessively about the last few weeks. Whenever I do, my self-evisceration mechanisms kick in pretty quickly. If you look at the facts, I spent 8 months pursuing a guy who never developed any kind of interest in me. That reflects poorly on the pursuer, I think. So I've frequently been looking at myself when I have too much spare time, and thus I start the slide into self-criticism. I've been really critical about how I look on the first level. I mean, I've been going back to the days where I said I was absolutely hideous and didn't want to be looked at at all. On my drive home last night, I started thinking about how I need to get long pants for dance class because I don't want my legs to show any more.

Essentially on the image department, this experience has completely reverted me. I don't want to be looked at and I don't think I should be.

But on top of that, some of my rage has become more insidious, along the lines of the old days that said "you're not worth being loved".

At the same time though, there's a resiliency that was not there six months ago or even one. Thinking about it, if he had not strung me along, the emotional devastation I would have felt would have been enough to throw me into a tailspin of drinking or sex--and that's part of how I see why so many gay men are like it. Trust me, I've been tempted, but there's a line in the sand--one I will NOT cross. I may eat ice cream, cry, break a box of pencils, or have a drink; but I refuse to be used and mistreated.

It's kind of odd that I have these tapes playing in my head that I'm basically shit and deserve to be treated as such, but I utterly and completely refuse to consent to be treated in such a way. I'm slowly becoming accustomed to the fact that I make no sense.

At the same time, I'm realizing this contradiction means I will likely be spending a VERY long time alone, because I've erected so many personal barriers in the last weeks that I won't be letting anyone in. I don't really want to go through this amount of pain AGAIN.

I had one night this week (after posting on Sunday or Monday or whenever it was) of crying, which is good. I figure when I stop crying, it'll be a really good sign.

This week has been stressful at work with oodles of patients, and all kinds of things that continue to make me feel like I do nothing right there. It's a concern I've brought up to one of my coworkers, and she said that she felt the same way for over a year and a half.

I decided when they start making me copy Drivers Licenses, I'm going to file an identity theft red flag. I find it utterly and completely wrong that people should be expected to submit their identification to be photocopied.

Homework today is going to suck--I have about 45 pages of reading Mexico, I have to come up with a boatload of discussion questions since I'm leader on Tuesday, and Thrill of Thrills, I have an essay due on Tuesday on some aspect of Mexican state formation. I'm not totally sure how I'm going to construct it yet, but it'll be done. I feel more confident for this one than I did my last essay, which is a good sign.

Ugh Travail fool!