These last few days have been very difficult for me. I'm in this really bad place with respect to the rest of my life, because it roars at me, when more than anything I want it to go away for a little while.
Case in point: I have this massive paper on Mexican historiography due today (it sucks ass), I have a project presentation due in ancient Thursday (I haven't started). Work continues to occupy my life and cause ridiculous levels of stress, and I may actually have to ask for time off today if I don't feel confident in this paper at all after a couple of edits, which will cause all kinds of upset about my PTO situation.
I've cried so many times in the last five days, it's not even funny. I have so many questions left unanswered, and I think I deserve answers that I know I'll never get.
Thom has no spine to tell me what I deserve to know, he has no guts to face me and answer my questions; so I have to move on alone with the hope that I am enough for someone. I have to face my self-doubts on my own and I have to accept the fact that fundamentally somewhere I failed.
Lent starts tomorrow, and my hope is that it will prove to be a good time for me to give up the amorous feelings I have towards him. My sincere hope is that we can still be on friendly terms, because he is a good man, and I like his company (speaking in an objective sense, I can see THAT clearly). But I still have to have time to recover, to take solace in my friends, and to grow. I will cry today, tomorrow, or next week. But the day will come where thinking about him doesn't make me sad.
And that day, if I see him online, I will say hi, and I will ask him how life is, and I will be the bigger man.
Still, at the same time, the fact that I know that day will come does not make today any easier. It doesn't make the sting of rejection any less potent. It doesn't minimize the temptation to do all sorts of things that make me feel good right now, but in the end will just hurt me.
All I can say is "thank God for Irish dance", because it has made my life so much easier when things have been rough over the last month.
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You ARE enough for someone! I know nothing makes rejection easy; I got dumped my sophomore year at CSU because I was "too nice," and it was awful. I guess the sweet is never as sweet without the sour; just know that you ARE a catch and someone worth your time will realize that.
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