Doing A Lot Better Than I Imagined

We met up on Sunday night, where I basically head what I expected---no shot in hell. Although I've been sad at times, I've been more relieved than anything that we're going to go a different direction in our relationship. I realized I have two choices-I can refuse to accept that he doesn't want me and fight like hell, ultimately to lose him in my life; or I can accept that despite the fact we're not destined for THAT kind of a relationship, it doesn't mean that good friends can't do a lot together anyways. There's a niche that friends occupy that a partner can't, I think.

So, I've had a few moments of sadness, but in all, like my facebook status said, in all, I am proud of the experience and the man I've become as a result of it.

The interesting part is that I'm now entertaining an offer to room with him. Apparently, I'm one of the few people he would trust to live with him and respect the fact that he needs space too. At first, I was really confused emotionally by it, but considering it'll be more than a month out, I think the timeline will be sufficient in transferring my emotions from amorous to fealtous kinds. Part of me questions whether I'm using this as a last chance to win him, but I've realized that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I can transition my emotions as I have before.

At the same time, I told him that if I were to take him up on his offer, it would still be difficult for me to know about other men he's with until I've made that transition completely. So long as the thought of him being with someone else hurts, that's how I'll know that the transition is incomplete.

I thought I would need closure, but I really don't, because I'm enough to give myself closure.

Moving out with him is a good transition point for me, because it gives me freedom from home, I trust him not to kill me and to pay his part of the rent, and I don't have to pay the massive amounts of money involved in living alone. Plus, living with someone who's not family gives me the chance to avoid my reclusive tendencies. At first, things would be awkward, but we live pretty similarly, and we're so busy during the week and most weekends we wouldn't see each other that much, especially between now and summer. I like how it's in a victorian style house and not an apartment complex, and it would only cost me ~$350 a month.

So realistically, the only limitation is reconciling my feelings with the general situation. I know I'm strong enough to do it, so my main thing is how long it would take. I'm thinking about the weekend after St. Patty's day, in part because I can save some extra money, take care of a LOT of work for school, and I'll acrue enough time off to take that Friday off too so I can move in whilst he's at work.

I know it doesn't make a whole lot of wise sense right now, but there are very strong pragmatic reasons for this probable choice.

Work and school continue to try and consume my life. I have so much reading and writing to do for my two history courses, it's not even funny. I've read almost 100 pages tonight for Mexico (I have like 80 more for Tuesday, plus an essay, plus discussion questions). I think I'm going to foucs my essay on indigenismo as an ethically constitutive story of Mexican state formation.

Back to reading.