So, I Am An Idiot

Okay, I know I've been swinging kind of wildly between being really happy and being really depressed over the last couple of weeks. The thing is that my heart has been thrown in all kinds of different directions, and recent events have proven to have at last broken it for sure.

I have been totally and completely ignored this week. I asked if he wanted to see a movie with me on Sunday night, and I heard nothing. I preordered flowers weeks ago, and chocolates to be delivered yesterday (according to the confirmation orders, they were). I even sent him an email where I got the balls to say that I want to be with him in a serious relationship. His response to these efforts was silence. I don't care what it is that you're going through, when someone sends you flowers telling you that you're a wonderful person, you don't ignore him.

Suffice it to say, my heart has finally realized that despite the fact that I am in love with him, he holds no regard for me.

I've spent a lot of time over the last few days crying. I've eaten a LOT of shit food that makes me sick, and thus, have been sick. I've tried working without cessation when I haven't been eating or crying to prevent myself from eating or crying.

I don't know what it was...last weekend we seemed to have a good time, and over the course of time, we had been getting closer...but then all of a sudden he cuts me out.

And so I will still be friendly, even if he treats me like shit, because I don't hold vengeance to be a good policy. He's hurt and damaged and as a result is willing to hurt and damage others. Forgiveness is the best policy.

At the same time though, the fact that I WAS an idiot does not mean that I will be again. I can't stand the thought of talking to him or looking at him right now without a sense of total disappointment and heartbreak. I can't even imagine asking how things are going. It'll take weeks before I can do that again, at the minimum.

If he were to approach me, I don't know that I could take him in as willingly as I would have, because my protective barriers have gone back up. He would have to prove himself to me, basically from the beginning, and knowing him, I'd be lucky if he even said hi to me. He would have to make efforts and to try.

Just because I love him still does not mean that I'd let him in.

Fortunately for me, I do have my coping mechanisms. I'm much stronger than I was months ago, and I think that if it were not for the confidence that I have gained in myself over time, I would probably be drinking right now (ok, so I did a little last night...); hell, I might be looking to hook-up myself, despite the grave moral and intellectual approbations that I bear for doing such things.

The fact of the matter is that despite the fact that my heart is broken, HE is the true idiot, for he passed me up. I never have to bear regrets for my conduct, for I acted righteously and nobly, and I did my damnedest to win him over. I am a good, kind, and decent man who doesn't need to use another person to get over someone else; I don't need to subject my body and my conscience to the whims of someone else for their sadistic satisfactions. I don't have to turn to drugs or alcohol to cope. Sure, I use chocolate, french fries, and sugary coffee to try to make myself feel better; and I will turn into a raging workaholic for the next few weeks, but I will not allow myself to be compromised because of my own wounds.

I deserve a lot better than how he treated me. THAT I see clearly.

And so, I start again.