God, How Much Has Happened in Two Months

For some strange reason, I am gripped to write on here about the last two months, and like always, it will probably be dreadfully brief.

First front: School.

1) My virgin essay turned out to be a resounding success, and having reread it several times, I am utterly convinced that it's one of my finest works I've ever written. Considering that writing is one of the few things about myself that I take pride in, this is a huge statement on my part. Several people who have read it said it belongs in a journal, including a PhD (granted, he's a completely different field...).

2) Mexico had a few ups and downs, especially when it came to the book reviews and having an adequate essay topic for this semester. I don't really think my topic is going to be viable next semester, and I may have to change directions significantly, perhaps again towards something connected with religious history (if I ever have to choose a thematic history, this will be it).

In all, things went well, as I ended up with straight A's.

Second front: Work.

1) This has by and large caused an incredible amount of stress in my life, and I grow increasingly tired of my job daily. It doesn't pay what I would like, and I impose this inordinate amount of expectations on myself (to check in the most patients, to make all my calls by a certain time, to file everything known to man by a certain time, etc.) where by the end of my day, I can actually feel about a month of my life shortened.

2) I've tried a few times looking for a different job, but have had no success.

Third front: Irish dance

1) This is one of the few great successes I have had, as I'm slowly but surely getting my steps together for my first feis next month...

Fourth front: Romance

1) This has been a total and unmitigated disaster; such that I have resolutely confined myself not to date again. After the whole Thom fiasco (surprisingly, we haven't killed each other.....yet.....), I went out on a date with a guy in Denver, and we chatted a while before he totally disappeared. The guy who followed was frankly crazy and said on the second date that he was in love with me. Stupidly, I let this continue for a couple more weeks until the insanity of my life prevented any meetings, wherein I came to my senses. I was flattered by compliments too readily and gave myself away to someone who didn't merit me.

Thereafter, I went out on a couple dates with a champion dancer, and was led to the same conclusions as my post-Thom experience, overall disappointment and a sense of rejection. I offered to go out to dinner and heard nothing for almost 5 days. Obviously, not the sign of someone interested in me.

As a consequence of all of this, I feel tired, and frankly, I've entered a depressed state, only dragging myself through on force. I long so desperately to just sleep in bed all day, and lament my existence, but being forced to work, to put some ridiculous smile on my face, and pretend to be happy to avoid answering questions about what's wrong with me.

I'm actually quite tired of my life right now, and I really could use something to just shake it up a little. Anyways, that's my brief on my life right now.

Jelly Man

I am the Jelly Man. My legs are like puddles of sludge under me. I spent over an hour and fifteen minutes dancing, much of it doing the warriors and dance above the rainbow sets. The thing is that over the last two months I've severely cut down on the amount of food I eat, so my average DCI is around 1500 calories (barring severe emotional distress).

I wish I were different as a person...and I think most people would understand the sense about which I'm talking. I thought for the first time in a while how different my life would be if I weren't gay. On one level, I know I'd be a lot less happy, but I'd be a lot more accomplished. If I were asexual (as I always wanted to be), I'd probably be at Harvard or Trinity right now, three years into my PhD. I'd be published. I'd know 12 or 13 languages.

But rather than continuing to fight my natural inclinations, I got tired and surrendered. If those natural inclinations never existed, I'd have done a lot more with my life than I have. I'd be someone spectacular...instead I'm me. I have to admit, I researched elective castration and seriously considered it once...until I found out insurance didn't cover it and it's up to 25,000.

I don't like me, as anyone with a brain can tell. I have so many reasons, most of them private, for not liking me. There's a lot more than the whole gay thing. It's easy to use that as a prop, because society anticipates that that's why people can hate themselves. My reasons are far more insidious.

I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself once this semester is over...I'm so screwed otherwise. Maybe I can get a second job...

Working on It

So this week was tougher than I anticipated. I'm nearing the one month stage of total solidarity....this Friday marks that point. But a huge part of my problem was not keeping myself occupied somehow, anyhow, in a meaningful kind of way. Plus, there were people I was chatting with online that kept wanting details. In any respect, it's caused me a lot of thought that I haven't wanted to deal with.

At the same time, this weekend, I was gripped with the desire to go out with anyone. Unfortunately, I don't have friends who have the liberty of dropping everything and just doing something with me, so I've had to content myself with working on history. I'm working really hard on getting super-advanced in my Mexico class so that I can finally focus on ancient. I have a LOT of my sources for ancient history just sitting on my desk waiting for me to peruse them.

However, I have about 88 pages left of revolutionary women in postrevolutionary Mexico to read, a book review to write, and then on top of that, next week's reading and book review to start on. It could be worse, because I barely finished reading my assignments for last week by this time and I hadn't started writing my essay yet.

I don't really know what I'm going to do when my semester is over, because I won't have the constant stress of school to worry about. I may go back to my languages. It's something to do, you know?

I've also had the strong desire to just go somewhere new. I was looking at last minute ticket prices, but the problem is that I'd have to fly someplace and basically turn around. I may spend next weekend up in Denver, depending on how far ahead I advance in my school work throughout the week.

I am really enjoying my progress in Irish dance. St. Patty's day has sort of prompted them to teach me more and more including more advanced reels, hard-toe techniques, and elements of my first jig. It's definitely my life saver when things have been shitty. Part of the problem is that I can't just go dance downstairs at night when things are tough, because my dad is asleep down there. This prompts more of my moving out desires, because I can find other spaces.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard a damn thing yet on how all of this is supposed to work. I'll probably hear like three days before I'm supposed to move (it always works like that).

I have been much desirous to do something else different. Restlessness has infected me.

I Need to Not Have Evenings Off

Tonight is literally the first night in almost three weeks where I haven't had anything that I HAD to do at night. And, unfortunately, I got a little emotional. Emotional to the tune of two bags of Reese's Pieces and a venti skinny vanilla latte with an extra shot. Emotional to the tune of buying nice socks....and a Guinness shirt....and two Lady Antebellum CDs (as a corollary, that lead singer in the group is so FUCKING hot it's not even funny. Sorry. Had to say it)...and Nurse Jackie on DVD.

I'm sad tonight....I'm angry tonight too. It's easy for me to try to be objective, and to say those things to myself that my friends would say. It's another thing to not still be really hurt on one level. I know it's all stuff that I'll get over, but right now, I feel lonely, I feel a little used. I'm torn between the desire to start crying again and the desire to unleash my Irish rage and rip the skin off his face. I keep asking what I did wrong, and every time, I keep coming up with nothing. So then I go to the next question, and I ask what's wrong with me as a person, and those nasty lines come creeping into my head again.

So I listen to Need You Now, and I'm all into the "it's a quarter after one, I'm still alone and I need you now".

It kind of sucked when I went to Barnes and Noble and there was this teen magazine that said "does your first love last?" I stood there, looked at it, laughed out loud and even said out loud, alone, like a crazy person "Oh, no, because the first person I fell in love with doesn't give a fuck about me." On top of that, I've seen so many couples holding hands in the last few weeks. It's like God's laughing at me.

Despite all of this, I did decide to go ahead and move in...looking around the 1st of April. Which is better than that weekend after St Patty's like I thought it might be. Hopefully I'll move past a lot of this by then. There's just a strong pragmatic necessity that trumps my emotions on this, because I really need to get to where I'm not living at home.

I sometimes wonder if when I move out, I'll turn into a total recluse. I already tend to cloister. The odd thing is that he asked me to live with him in part to stop being a recluse himself. Whatever. It's a smart pragmatic move, even though the emotional side still causes me trouble.

The big good news was Mexican history. It sounded like bad news was going to come, especially when the teacher decided to pass around samples of other students' papers, and mine wasn't one of them. She was all "there were three really fantastic papers in this class", and I'm all "fuck, I'm already hosed". BUT, mine turned out to be one of them. Universal validation for my intelligence at least exists.

I may die alone, but goddammit, I'm going be one smart alone bastard! :)

Gah! Caffeine's Not Enough

I'm unmotivated right now. I need to re-read my Mexico essay that I have to turn in tomorrow, and cut about 5 lines out of it to get it to around 5 pages. It's actually not half bad, but I need to do some more work with it. I'll do another read through tonight after I finish posting this, and have all my citations as in-text. That way tomorrow, I'll do a read-through in the AM before work, all of my formatting during my lunch break, and I'll be ready to turn in for class. In my interim between work and class, I'll type up my questions for discussion.

Oddly, I did all of this way early. Last time, I didn't even have one edit done on Tuesday morning, and this time, I'll have two done. On top of that, when I did discussion last, I did all of my questions the day of. This time, they're GOOD. I may even type them tonight if I can foment some kind of motivation.

I have another essay to write for next week, a book review. I actually have two in the next two weeks, so I'm going to do everything I can to read ahead this week during my low time. Wednesday comes to mind. I think I've moved on enough where reading doesn't lead me to constantly think about it as I'd lack focus. I'm going, once I finish said reviews, to take a nice BIG break from Mexico, and focus on ancient for a while.

It looks like the big move is going to be around April 1....I think? I never really know unless I'm actually doing it. That's good in time, and I'll have the hecticness of Irish dance, Mexican history, and a lot of ancient out of the way. I may try to see about starting to move some things in without occupying, if he's okay with it, just so I'm not doing it all in one day. I dunno. I'll figure it out as things get closer to then.

Irish dance has been both good and excruciating. The instructors were peeved tonight about a lot of things, and decided to take it out on us, so my points, sevens, and hop-backs were criticized. On top of that, my legs are jelly. In good news---Ray's got the backline of Warriors down.

I'm really tired all of a sudden. I need to kick myself into gear before my body gives out and I collapse into exhaustion.

Doing the Little Things Helps

So I've been doing pretty much anything I can think of to avoid thinking excessively about the last few weeks. Whenever I do, my self-evisceration mechanisms kick in pretty quickly. If you look at the facts, I spent 8 months pursuing a guy who never developed any kind of interest in me. That reflects poorly on the pursuer, I think. So I've frequently been looking at myself when I have too much spare time, and thus I start the slide into self-criticism. I've been really critical about how I look on the first level. I mean, I've been going back to the days where I said I was absolutely hideous and didn't want to be looked at at all. On my drive home last night, I started thinking about how I need to get long pants for dance class because I don't want my legs to show any more.

Essentially on the image department, this experience has completely reverted me. I don't want to be looked at and I don't think I should be.

But on top of that, some of my rage has become more insidious, along the lines of the old days that said "you're not worth being loved".

At the same time though, there's a resiliency that was not there six months ago or even one. Thinking about it, if he had not strung me along, the emotional devastation I would have felt would have been enough to throw me into a tailspin of drinking or sex--and that's part of how I see why so many gay men are like it. Trust me, I've been tempted, but there's a line in the sand--one I will NOT cross. I may eat ice cream, cry, break a box of pencils, or have a drink; but I refuse to be used and mistreated.

It's kind of odd that I have these tapes playing in my head that I'm basically shit and deserve to be treated as such, but I utterly and completely refuse to consent to be treated in such a way. I'm slowly becoming accustomed to the fact that I make no sense.

At the same time, I'm realizing this contradiction means I will likely be spending a VERY long time alone, because I've erected so many personal barriers in the last weeks that I won't be letting anyone in. I don't really want to go through this amount of pain AGAIN.

I had one night this week (after posting on Sunday or Monday or whenever it was) of crying, which is good. I figure when I stop crying, it'll be a really good sign.

This week has been stressful at work with oodles of patients, and all kinds of things that continue to make me feel like I do nothing right there. It's a concern I've brought up to one of my coworkers, and she said that she felt the same way for over a year and a half.

I decided when they start making me copy Drivers Licenses, I'm going to file an identity theft red flag. I find it utterly and completely wrong that people should be expected to submit their identification to be photocopied.

Homework today is going to suck--I have about 45 pages of reading Mexico, I have to come up with a boatload of discussion questions since I'm leader on Tuesday, and Thrill of Thrills, I have an essay due on Tuesday on some aspect of Mexican state formation. I'm not totally sure how I'm going to construct it yet, but it'll be done. I feel more confident for this one than I did my last essay, which is a good sign.

Ugh Travail fool!

Doing A Lot Better Than I Imagined

We met up on Sunday night, where I basically head what I expected---no shot in hell. Although I've been sad at times, I've been more relieved than anything that we're going to go a different direction in our relationship. I realized I have two choices-I can refuse to accept that he doesn't want me and fight like hell, ultimately to lose him in my life; or I can accept that despite the fact we're not destined for THAT kind of a relationship, it doesn't mean that good friends can't do a lot together anyways. There's a niche that friends occupy that a partner can't, I think.

So, I've had a few moments of sadness, but in all, like my facebook status said, in all, I am proud of the experience and the man I've become as a result of it.

The interesting part is that I'm now entertaining an offer to room with him. Apparently, I'm one of the few people he would trust to live with him and respect the fact that he needs space too. At first, I was really confused emotionally by it, but considering it'll be more than a month out, I think the timeline will be sufficient in transferring my emotions from amorous to fealtous kinds. Part of me questions whether I'm using this as a last chance to win him, but I've realized that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I can transition my emotions as I have before.

At the same time, I told him that if I were to take him up on his offer, it would still be difficult for me to know about other men he's with until I've made that transition completely. So long as the thought of him being with someone else hurts, that's how I'll know that the transition is incomplete.

I thought I would need closure, but I really don't, because I'm enough to give myself closure.

Moving out with him is a good transition point for me, because it gives me freedom from home, I trust him not to kill me and to pay his part of the rent, and I don't have to pay the massive amounts of money involved in living alone. Plus, living with someone who's not family gives me the chance to avoid my reclusive tendencies. At first, things would be awkward, but we live pretty similarly, and we're so busy during the week and most weekends we wouldn't see each other that much, especially between now and summer. I like how it's in a victorian style house and not an apartment complex, and it would only cost me ~$350 a month.

So realistically, the only limitation is reconciling my feelings with the general situation. I know I'm strong enough to do it, so my main thing is how long it would take. I'm thinking about the weekend after St. Patty's day, in part because I can save some extra money, take care of a LOT of work for school, and I'll acrue enough time off to take that Friday off too so I can move in whilst he's at work.

I know it doesn't make a whole lot of wise sense right now, but there are very strong pragmatic reasons for this probable choice.

Work and school continue to try and consume my life. I have so much reading and writing to do for my two history courses, it's not even funny. I've read almost 100 pages tonight for Mexico (I have like 80 more for Tuesday, plus an essay, plus discussion questions). I think I'm going to foucs my essay on indigenismo as an ethically constitutive story of Mexican state formation.

Back to reading.

Cuando habra respuestos a todas mis preguntas?

This week has been pretty torturous to me. The emotional factors involved with this week have been serious, and complicating that was the intense stress involved with both my ancient history and Mexico courses. I really don't feel like I have any kind of a handle on either course adequately to justify myself as an historian. I keep reminding myself that I am working more than 40 hours a week, and that most people who do graduate programs don't work full time in addition to classes.
In addition, work was endless stress this week. The central administrative office is run by a large congregation of buffoons, in my oh so humble opinion. They keep adding on more ridiculous things that we need to be doing in our various positions, such that it is not possible to both provide good customer service and perform all the tasks they demand of us.

This is what check-in is going to look like starting Monday:

1) We have to ensure that an updated demographic form for 2010 exists on file. While we're increasingly reaching the point where this is the case, there are still enough people who have not been in the office in 2010 to make this problematic.

2) We have to ensure that an updated copy of the insurance card for 2010 is on file. This may change, and we may have to make copies of the insurance card EVERY time someone comes into the office.

3) We have to ensure that every child has an electronic survey information sheet filled out per federal law...(this is new).

4) We have to ensure that there exists a copy of identification for each child's caretaker exists on file. I am personally extremely opposed to this due to the possibility of identity theft, but since I'm a minion, my opinions don't matter. I imagine there will be a lot of problems with this one, which my office manager will have to deal with. I can see asking to SEE ID on every visit, but to have an ID copied into a chart is totally different.

5) We have to collect a copay. With cash, we have to write a physical receipt. The credit card system operates via internet, and the system kicks us out after three minutes of inactivity. It takes three minutes to log-in, and we have to manually enter all patient information before we even enter the payment. At this point, we've now taken over 5 minutes.

6) We have to have paperwork for the visit filled out--wellness or sick visits. A lot of times, we can have parents do this while we're doing everything else.

7) We have to make copies of everything and make sure it's perfectly legible.

This entire process is too much for two people doing check-in to do. Realistically, we need three, but when you're a minion, no one wants to hear you talk or suggest, what they want is you doing what you're told.

Fundamentally, I do not like my job or the bureaucracy involved.

On top of that, my body decided that sleep was not necessary most of the week.

The only blessing involved in the business of school/work has been that it has afforded me little time to think about the whole emotional turmoil thing. It was very odd, because on Wednesday, he texted me telling me that he's sorry he hasn't talked much, but that things have been difficult for him, etc. The bizarre thing is that as a result of some financial woes on his part, he's asking me to room with him.

Despite a strong inclination not to do this for emotional reasons, I have to admit that this is the kind of opportunity I need to finally move out of home. I listened to the financial/legal aspects of his proposal yesterday and I'd get a room and equal access to other living areas for around 325 a month. I don't have much occasion in which we'd interact, thanks to dance, work, and school. Fundamentally, it would give me freedom from home and start me on the path to really being an adult without losing all kinds of money. On top of that, despite our nebulous relationship, the fact is that I know he would not put me in a financially obscure situation by not paying his share of rent. He has stronger investment in the house, because he wants to own it someday.

The way I see it, this is a temporary thing until his finances are worked out. That would be okay with me, because I live so minimalistically that I require very little room, and thus can tolerate a certain element of uncertainty. I said that I would have to have at least a month's notice if he wants me to leave.

On top of that, I said that certainty on the boundaries of our relationship are necessary before I could seriously consider his offer. We're discussing this today, but I already know what's going to happen. He's going to tell me that I'm a very nice person who will someday make someone very happy, but we're not happening. I'll sort of implied that with everything going on with school and dance, I'd be looking at the weekend AFTER St. Patty's Day, which would give me enough time to get over him....methinks.

It sucks, and I'm going to get hurt all over again, but at least this whole awkwardness at least means that I'll get the answer I deserve...one that's not silence.

I've thought a lot about what to do after I get over him. I think I'm going to just avoid the whole relationship thing for a while. I need to focus on what I need to get done rather than anything else. I'm not sure if I want to actively reject one if one happens to come or not yet; bbut my inclination over these next weeks is going to be to focus heavily on work and school and doing everything I can to advance my life position.

I'm going to buy a kilt for Irish dance. Dance has been the one thing that has given me any kind of sanity in the last week. I wish I was more talented than I am, because my retinue is so small that I wear out my knowledge of dance after 30 minutes, and I would thoroughly enjoy at least 2 hours worth of dances I could do just to exhaust myself and give myself perspective. I learned the baby-jig on Saturday, and I may learn the double-reel on Monday...I'm also going to suggest a strong interest in learning Siamsa.

Perhaps I'll go back to work...

Trying to Recover

These last few days have been very difficult for me. I'm in this really bad place with respect to the rest of my life, because it roars at me, when more than anything I want it to go away for a little while.

Case in point: I have this massive paper on Mexican historiography due today (it sucks ass), I have a project presentation due in ancient Thursday (I haven't started). Work continues to occupy my life and cause ridiculous levels of stress, and I may actually have to ask for time off today if I don't feel confident in this paper at all after a couple of edits, which will cause all kinds of upset about my PTO situation.

I've cried so many times in the last five days, it's not even funny. I have so many questions left unanswered, and I think I deserve answers that I know I'll never get.

Thom has no spine to tell me what I deserve to know, he has no guts to face me and answer my questions; so I have to move on alone with the hope that I am enough for someone. I have to face my self-doubts on my own and I have to accept the fact that fundamentally somewhere I failed.

Lent starts tomorrow, and my hope is that it will prove to be a good time for me to give up the amorous feelings I have towards him. My sincere hope is that we can still be on friendly terms, because he is a good man, and I like his company (speaking in an objective sense, I can see THAT clearly). But I still have to have time to recover, to take solace in my friends, and to grow. I will cry today, tomorrow, or next week. But the day will come where thinking about him doesn't make me sad.

And that day, if I see him online, I will say hi, and I will ask him how life is, and I will be the bigger man.

Still, at the same time, the fact that I know that day will come does not make today any easier. It doesn't make the sting of rejection any less potent. It doesn't minimize the temptation to do all sorts of things that make me feel good right now, but in the end will just hurt me.

All I can say is "thank God for Irish dance", because it has made my life so much easier when things have been rough over the last month.

So, I Am An Idiot

Okay, I know I've been swinging kind of wildly between being really happy and being really depressed over the last couple of weeks. The thing is that my heart has been thrown in all kinds of different directions, and recent events have proven to have at last broken it for sure.

I have been totally and completely ignored this week. I asked if he wanted to see a movie with me on Sunday night, and I heard nothing. I preordered flowers weeks ago, and chocolates to be delivered yesterday (according to the confirmation orders, they were). I even sent him an email where I got the balls to say that I want to be with him in a serious relationship. His response to these efforts was silence. I don't care what it is that you're going through, when someone sends you flowers telling you that you're a wonderful person, you don't ignore him.

Suffice it to say, my heart has finally realized that despite the fact that I am in love with him, he holds no regard for me.

I've spent a lot of time over the last few days crying. I've eaten a LOT of shit food that makes me sick, and thus, have been sick. I've tried working without cessation when I haven't been eating or crying to prevent myself from eating or crying.

I don't know what it was...last weekend we seemed to have a good time, and over the course of time, we had been getting closer...but then all of a sudden he cuts me out.

And so I will still be friendly, even if he treats me like shit, because I don't hold vengeance to be a good policy. He's hurt and damaged and as a result is willing to hurt and damage others. Forgiveness is the best policy.

At the same time though, the fact that I WAS an idiot does not mean that I will be again. I can't stand the thought of talking to him or looking at him right now without a sense of total disappointment and heartbreak. I can't even imagine asking how things are going. It'll take weeks before I can do that again, at the minimum.

If he were to approach me, I don't know that I could take him in as willingly as I would have, because my protective barriers have gone back up. He would have to prove himself to me, basically from the beginning, and knowing him, I'd be lucky if he even said hi to me. He would have to make efforts and to try.

Just because I love him still does not mean that I'd let him in.

Fortunately for me, I do have my coping mechanisms. I'm much stronger than I was months ago, and I think that if it were not for the confidence that I have gained in myself over time, I would probably be drinking right now (ok, so I did a little last night...); hell, I might be looking to hook-up myself, despite the grave moral and intellectual approbations that I bear for doing such things.

The fact of the matter is that despite the fact that my heart is broken, HE is the true idiot, for he passed me up. I never have to bear regrets for my conduct, for I acted righteously and nobly, and I did my damnedest to win him over. I am a good, kind, and decent man who doesn't need to use another person to get over someone else; I don't need to subject my body and my conscience to the whims of someone else for their sadistic satisfactions. I don't have to turn to drugs or alcohol to cope. Sure, I use chocolate, french fries, and sugary coffee to try to make myself feel better; and I will turn into a raging workaholic for the next few weeks, but I will not allow myself to be compromised because of my own wounds.

I deserve a lot better than how he treated me. THAT I see clearly.

And so, I start again.

Working on Weekly Resolutions

So, anyone who sees my facebook noticed that I've decided to implement weekly resolutions instead of trying to live up to my annual ones. This week has been pretty successful, as I practiced Irish dancing everyday this week except tonight, due to my dad's sleep concerns, but 20 minutes a day of vigorous dancing had made my legs REALLY tired.

I got paid today, and all the money is pretty much gone...that's okay.

I'm looking at a place tomorrow to rent. It's $580 a month including utilities about 2 blocks north of Colorado College. It meets my desires of being far enough away from home to really get away from my family, but at the same time not so far from work that it's really difficult to make it there on time. Sure, if I pick it, it'll mean an extra 20 minute commute, but I could live with that.

I filed my taxes for this year already...which is good. I get over $1600 back, so that makes me REALLY happy. I found a good use for some of that money. I'm going to get a $30 pair of light slacks tomorrow and some red shoes. I'm taking Thom out for his birthday dinner to a nicish restaurant on the north side of town, but not a place that's really formal, so he doesn't feel under-dressed, like he did the last time I took him out to the Cheyenne Mountain Resort. I also got him a book on how to survive ninjas, since he's taking karate, a scented candle (my task is to keep buying those until I figure out his favorite smell, since he's made the mistake of telling me his favorite animals, movies, and flowers), and some Lindt chocolates. Plus I'm going to write a short, yet sappy card about how thankful I am that he can put up with me as much as he does---anyone who really knows me knows that I'm hard as hell to live with in any sense, and the fact that he manages at all speaks volumes.

I've come to the point where I can mope around, or I can challenge myself to be and do better, in that respect and others. I've chosen the latter. Instead of moping around, I'm going to generally invite him out once a week and do my damnest to win him over without being a sack of potatoes. Exceptions are the next two weeks--his actual birthday he should spend with family and closer friends, and after that it's Valentine's day, and I don't want to show the presumption that I'm all over him for that. I may send flowers on Valentine's day, but not much more because I think that would make him uncomfortable.

Work this week was kind of tough on me physically...headaches 3/5 days, and a lot of muscle strain in my neck and back. On top of that, my PTO situation gets worse. It was fixed to where I had 12.27 hours, but on Friday that dropped to 11.84 instead of going UP to 15.32. Ugh.

I need to work on some history--I was doing really good getting ahead, and this week has not been good for that. I also need to clean up/out my room. It'll be on the agenda between seeing the place/getting my outfit and spoiling Thom to a dinner he deserves.

Does it help that I'm smiling thinking about him laughing when he reads his book or the smirk he'll (hopefully) get on his face when he opens his presents? That one little smile is worth far more to me that any cost. I'd bankrupt myself if it meant seeing that smile once. Where did my heart and mind of ice go?

Wherever they went, I hope they don't come back....

Ray Needs to Ban Physical Duress Posting

So, my post this morning was made having had no sleep at all for over 24 hours. I got no sleep whatsoever last night. I have an incredibly sensitive physiology, as I have found over the years. All kinds of OTC drugs affect me in ways they shouldn't, alcohol apparently hits me hard (I had dry heaves this AM after posting, and that was from three drinks spread out over like 6 hours), and not sleeping is the quickest way to weaken my normally strong emotional controls.

I'm aware of the fact that my emotions are incredibly powerful and that I normally have to curtail them. I think their potency comes from years of stifling them, so while a certain emotional reaction that I do have comes across as a baseline for me, for other people, it can be very intense. Curtailing normally works for me quite well...but not when the basic physical conditions that I need (sleep, sobriety, and clear-headedness) are gone.

But yes, today was spent on banal activities, since I had little cerebral function and wasn't confident enough in the well-being of my digestive system to go anywhere. I read all of my Mexico readings for this week and got a really good head start on next week's readings already. If I work on it more tomorrow and Tuesday, I should be one week ahead of the curve in that class. This is particularly important, because looking at how the semester is going to pan out, I'm going to need to take advantage of ANY lull in my daily activities to advocate getting ahead in my classes.

I noticed today that Hawaii's state senate passed by an overwhelming margin a civil unions law. Frankly, I was kind of surprised that it happened...but, looking at where things are in the US, Latin America, and Europe, I think 2010 is going to be much like 2009, only with fewer staggering setbacks, such as those we had in New York, New Jersey, and Maine. My guess is that civil union legislation will be successful in several states, including Colorado, where a ballot initiative looks certain to come to vote this November. With respect to marriage rights, I can only anticipate one or two states joining the fold, because of the overwhelming state constitutional barriers to legislative movements. The first one will be Rhode Island, which polls with strong support for equal rights. My second state, should there be another, would probably be a DC area state like Delaware, where the Catholic church is not too powerful and where people tend to be a little more liberal. Globally, the situation looks ripe for change, as Portugal, Nepal, and Slovenia are all certain to enact marriage laws, and it looks promising in Argentina, Uruguay, Iceland, and several other European states.

I paid off my car insurance for the next six months today (thankfully), and payday comes in just five more days!

I'm excited for Irish dance tomorrow. I've decided to go ahead and do St Patrick's day performances. I need to get over the whole "I don't look very good doing this" thing and just enjoy it. Besides, I've seen too many other people performing things in their lives, and it's time I start being an actor too (good God, how philosophical is THAT?).

well, my lavender tea is starting to kick in on my brain and I have 7 pages of reading left before I finish this chapter I'm on. TO BED FOOL!

I Know I Can Do It

These last few days have built up confidence in me somewhat. Not really with work. That's been a really big sore spot, as each day this week I've developed multiple massive tension headaches that drive me insane and make me kind of bitchy. But, I must keep working to save up money to do what I want and must.

I missed out on lunch with Stacie today...things come up, so we'll meet again soon. We do need a boy bitching session soon though...because we're both going through boy frustrations.

Speaking of which...I will discuss more in the morning when I'm less sleepy...

One of Those Not So Good Nights

Last night was actually really good. Work was not too bad--normal level of business for a Monday, really. Irish dance was great--did my first group dance, the 6-hand Fairy Reel as well as started on basic reels. I don't have the kind of bounce I would love to have in my step yet, but with practice I should get there.

Today has not been that great of a day. I feel tired and worn out, and that nagging feeling I had on Saturday is amplified today by the combination of a bad day at work and not sleeping that well recently. I keep having this nagging thing inside that says that no matter what I do, I'm destined to be alone, unless I do what pretty much every other guy does and settles with crap just so he can be with someone.

It's just that I hate the point where I am in life. I hate the fact that I work a dead-end kind of job answering telephones and worrying about things like customer service and insurance cards. I hate that I only have 3 hours out of 30 done on my Master's degree and in all likelihood, that's not going to give me much satisfaction when I finish it either. I hate the fact that I don't feel important like I used to feel. Perhaps in the past, it was the result of self-delusion, that what I was doing at some point mattered.

In some ways, I did matter, because when I worked in the LTC, especially those times when I was assistant director, I was needed. Having me around meant that the lab functioned better and students that came in got the help they needed, and you could really see it. Now, it feels like all I do is the same monotony--take messages for nurses or schedule appointments. I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I know that I need that in whatever I do long-term to really stay with something.

To be honest, what I could use is some external validation that I do in fact matter. It's hard, given my past, to try to keep myself perked up. I'd be tempted to say how, but given the fact that this is a public blog, I prefer not to say it.

In other news, meeting with Brandon this past weekend was refreshing, in part because it made up for the fact that Saturday was a disappointment. I like him quite a bit already, nothing that would threaten anything elsewhere, but I suppose if Thom ever told me that I don't have a shot in hell, after a long time trying to recover, I could see possibilities there. It's just that Thom has already informed Brandon that I'm committed to him (as Brandon had relayed to me once)...that's one of the things that's given me more hope that things will change on that front.

But Brandon is incredibly intelligent, and has a genuine confidence, I think, one that I wish I had. I've met with him twice, and I've already revealed my self-scathing nature..as he's already mentioned. I am glad that I've gotten to meet him a few times before he goes off to Korea. One of my personal challenges is going to be smarter than him by the time he gets back....not likely, but what's a challenge without the possibility of total failure?

I don't want to go through the next three days. Can we fast forward to Saturday?

Pointless Daily Meanderings

It's not necessarily pointless to me, but I write about the last few days a little bit more.

Yesterday I started Irish dancing, so I learned the basics about going forwards and backwards, which I got relatively quickly thanks to my one semester of piano, oddly. I got the basics of moving a little quickly because I can count steps the same way I counted beats back in piano days. I definitely will be carrying on throughout the semester, and most likely, the year.

Work has been testing. Mondays are always busy, and typically require me to take ibuprofen, the one drug I know of that causes no mental side-effects. Those who have seen the emotional and physical exhaustion that I experience with things like cold medication and tylenol know that I hate taking drugs, so if it was bad enough that I wanted to pop a couple motrins in my day, it was long. Today was long too, and I felt unmotivated to be there for much of the day. I was impatient with the people on the phones and theirr really long stories about every little malady their child suffers, when all I want is a synopsis to I can determine whether to schedule an appointment or not.

The most vexing thing has to be the process of filling out new demographic forms, because the central office stupidly requires new everything with the change of year, and then we have to pass our frustrations onto the people who come in. I hate having to ask people for their money, to deal with insurance drama, and anything else that creeps into view. I hate the slowness of the day, and how many days, I'm desperate to find something to do. We really don't need five people there all the time, but my boss insists on having us all there. Really, we could rotate afternoons off, although because I want to build a war chest, I would be remiss to really take any time off.

In some of the slow time at work, today, I thought more about my situation, and about how I would really prefer to be doing something like writing or teaching, and how slowly time is going by for the semester to begin again, how I still have three more semesters after this, and in all that time, I'm going to accrue enough vacation hours to drive to Boise and back at best.

But, on the other hand, I've never made this much at one time, and I don't have the desire or the recourse to look elsewhere. Maybe in my next semester break (assuming I allow myself the occasion to take one...) I'll consider looking elsewhere, but for now, I am content in general with my position.

The other problem about how slow it is is that it allows frustration to build---frustration because there is so little that I can do. How little work there is at my job, and yet I am too tired often when I get home to work vigorously on my mind, and so I often watch movies and sew, which is why I cannot wait for the semester to begin (I have no choice otherwise).

On top of that, there is the frustration of knowing that there's nothing I can do. I just keep reminding myself that I have to be encouraging, supportive, and there, and that's the best that I can do. I don't have magical powers and never will. Maybe I've got something in me that can break it, and maybe I don't.

I'm tired. :(

I Am an Idiot

I've come to this conclusion several times. But tonight, I confirmed it.

I basically told the person that I'm absolutely crazy about that I don't have the balls to tell him that, because I'm scared he'll reject me again. That counts as stupid, right?

Basically, I'm doing an adequate job of torpedoing any chance I have. Why am I such a dorkbrain? GAH!

What to Say?

I never really know what to say in a new blog. Normally, I write basic things about myself, the kind of person I am, my interests, etc. Unfortunately, by and large, I am an incredibly boring person who delights in things like learning foreign languages, loves history, any variety of coffee products, sewing, etc.

All of this makes me less than entertaining. While I do on occasion go out, I tend to be inhibited in public, because most of the people I go out with are people with whom I'm not out yet, thus it's difficult for me to be unrestrained.

The last month has been changing in many ways, in part because I was on the precipice of losing hope when I had just enough sent m way to keep hope alive. That's definitely been a great story for me over the last months: the struggle between being someone I know I can and should be, and the someone in my past who looks at me and says that I'm just not worth it.

One of the things I strongly dislike is that I'm looked at as nothing more by many as a piece of meat to be used and discarded. Our world is a strange one, as until you're 30, life is drama, drugs, and sex. It's a world that disgusts me, because while it might seem accepting in the view of social oppression, what it is in reality is surrendering to the expectations of a society that says "you're deviant, so act like it".

I am hit on frequently, but it's solely for sex. Where I long to swept off my feet authentically, by someone who wants all of me, I'm only superficially targeted by those who are looking to relive their glory days by having a one night stand with someone who's 22.

Objectively, I'm not an attractive man, and as I get older, this fake attention will dissipate. I don't have bulging muscles or one of those faces that just grabs at the heart right away. It's part of the reason why I've grown a beard, because it makes me look about 5 years older. Not surprisingly, I'm rarely looked at now.

I used to be a lot more motivated than I was, and I think it had to do with my visceral reactions to my self-loathing...part of the incomprehensible battle that I used to wage that I have won. I don't know that the war is over, because I still have days where I do wonder whether I matter, and I get hard on myself saying that my life is inadequate.

This name comes from one of my old emails back when I had a lot more confidence, but one that was fake. Now, as I emerge and find myself emboldened to be a better and stronger man, I find that I truly do have a Heart of Fire. Anyone who misses out on it is fundamentally a fool, something I was for a long time.